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On Fear…
The following is reflection on fear and how we tend to lose sight of the present because of our focus on what has already happened or what could go wrong. Although it is not officially one of the snares of suffering I was going to address, it is similar to my recent thoughts about anger.
Snare 4: Oozing Anger
When we are struggling it’s not uncommon to feel frustrated that things seem out of our control and uncomfortable. It feels personal- things are happening to me, as if on purpose, rather than a part of life’s up and downs. We don’t like feeling impotent; we want to be able to take the pain away. But in situations like suffering, that is not a choice we have. The only choice we have is determining in what way we will endure. If we continue to focus on our sense of persecution, the frustration will grow into anger, and overtime, the emotion moves from a transient state into a hardened perspective.
A change begins to occur as the anger takes hold. First, there is an unconscious tendency to validate the feeling (rather than contradict it) so our attention is drawn towards anything that is “off.” A certain tone of voice will be instantly labeled as disrespectful. A look from a stranger will be interpreted as a glare. Even accidents will be seen as a wrong; attributed to stupidity or callousness. Someone might be outside where the sun is shining, a bird is gently chirping, and flowers are putting sweet scents into the air. Yet someone in this state will only notice the bag of trash blowing by. The world seems hostile, even cruel.
As time passes, the anger can eventually become so familiar, so comfortable, it develops into habit. Pain is replayed over and over with bitter satisfaction. To the angry person, this is perceived as a way to stay alert and cautious “so I won’t be hurt again!” But this is not a true salve. It is really an affliction that creates distance and indignation. It is nothing more than repeatedly pulling the scab off a wound.
To ensure that anger remains helpful, it must be approached with respectful caution. It is helpful when it can be informative, clarifying underlying beliefs or highlighting important issues to stand up for. It is helpful when it encourages action that promotes needed change to bring about healthy balance. It becomes something darker when it is as familiar as an old pair of socks, leading to discontentment and hostility.
Healthy Anger |
Toxic Anger |
| Helps me be more realistic, wise, or empowered (teaches) | Helps me feel righteous, wronged, or victimized (justifies) |
| Helps me speak up when something is important to me. It is done in a way that engenders mutual respect and collaboration. | Helps me justify blaming, labeling, threatening, ridiculing, lecturing, or moralizing. |
| Encourages personal responsibility | Holds other people responsible for how I feel |
| Helps me move through my feelings. It is transient. | Strengthens the feelings and keeps me stuck. It becomes a state of being. |
| Promotes healthier relationships | Promotes distance, resentment, and fear (You just don’t understand what I’m going through!) |
They key to getting through difficult situations without toxic anger is to remain committed to growth. Every situation can teach; every trial can develop strength. A man who did years of intense emotional, spiritual, and psychological work once told me, “I wouldn’t wish my journey on my worst enemy, but I wouldn’t give it up for the world.” Even in the darkest hours, there is some way our spirit can be blessed with greater depth, strength, and character. Hold on to this hope. Seek it out and surround yourself with support so you do not have to depend solely on your own abilities (or weaknesses).
Also, remain active; do not let anger passively enter your life. Work with it, learn from it, and then do the courageous work of letting it go. To help:
- Do I have toxic anger in my life? What is my greatest obstacle to overcoming that which is unhealthy?
- What are the behaviors that often come from my anger? What would I like them to be?
- I won’t have as much trouble with anger if I practiced…
- An area I commit to working on is…..
Snare 3: Fixation With Happiness
We seem to be obsessed with happiness. I’m not talking about that profound state of contentment that years of meditating in a cave might provide. I’m talking about a strongly held belief that life should be comfortable and enjoyable. When someone with depression enters my office, a stated goal is “to become happy.” It is then my job to inform that this is something I cannot ever promise, nor would hope to offer. I do not want someone to be happy when a loved one dies, nor do I want them to be happy and relaxed when danger is nearby. Our emotions are loaded with information, letting us know what is important and what we need to pay attention to. If the expectation is that only one emotion is acceptable, the person is left less equipped and one dimensional.
What does this fixation do? Nietzsche said it best, “False expectations create resentful people. Grateful people emerge in a world rightly defined, where even the darkness is no surprise, but is in fact opportunity.” To expect happiness means that we will feel persecuted when reality seeps in and burst the bubble. I would also add that the struggle will be amplified because there will be no coping strategies or skills to rely upon. There is no way to prepare for something that you do not accept exists. Therefore, this ensnared person will not only be hurt and angry that the world is difficult; s/he will have no resources to get through it.
Sadly, such a perspective also creates walls. People who respond to “How are you?” with, “Perfect!” or “It’s all good!” leave their audience with nothing to hold on to. Life is too complex for anything to be easy. Companions know on some level, there is a lack of honesty. Vulnerability has also been avoided so the friend will have nothing that s/he can relate to, and therefore nothing that can be shared. Instead, the interaction will be superficial and empty. A friend of mine recently shared her loving invitation to such a statement, “When you are ready to deal with life’s imperfections, I’m here.”
Questions to consider:
- What have I been taught about distressing emotions that makes it hard to give myself permission to feel them?
- What is needed for it to be safe enough to experience what I have ignored or minimized? (Ex: support, skills, openness versus judgment)
- What are the benefits of clinging to happiness? What are the drawbacks?
- What might the unpleasant emotions help me learn or understand? How can I use this information wisely?
Snare 2: Despair
I caught myself in this one just recently. A major event occurred that knocked the wind out of me. As I noticed my difficulty being comforted by friendly advice, it became evident that it all their words felt empty. They had no guarantees that the situation would turn out well and I was certain that until I had that, I could not be pacified. Just as this thought solidified in my mind, I laughed out loud. I was telling myself that “all I needed” was to take away the pain of not knowing and not having control. What I was really asking for was to eliminate everything I was having to struggle with. I wanted to rearrange the furniture rather than move from the building falling apart around me.
Luckily, I saw a truth that at first was unwanted but has now become a point of hope: it is only during times of suffering that our safety nets are shaken enough to provide access to our deepest thoughts, feelings, and meanings. Normally we are not open to anything dramatically different from what we already know. In times of crisis, however, the familiar is gone so we finally have room to try on something new. This was evident with CS Lewis when his faith dramatically changed with the death of his wife, as revealed in “A Grief Observed”. Richard Rohr describes this very process in his book, “Hope Against the Darkness.”
This does not mean that there will not be profound moments of grief and loss, because struggle means the loss of safety and security, as well who we were before the event changed everything. However, there is a difference between confronting the pain and seeing what lessons might lie within, and lying down accepting fate, no longer searching and no longer trying to grow. For suffering to be the transformative rite of passage that Thomas Moore describes in “Dark Night of the Soul”, we must work hard to find the lessons, we must seek out advice that is hard to hear, and we must be willing to be vulnerable enough to ask for help.
Questions that prompt an active role might include :
- What do I think should be? How is that being challenged?
- What am I being invited to let go of? What am I being invited to explore?
- What does the world offer me? What do I want to offer the world?
- What does it mean to be a good human being?
- Who was I? Who am I becoming?
- What do I want my life to be about?
- What elements of my life do I want to hold on to? Why are these important to me?
Changing the Mental Health Diagnostic Manual
A client recently sent me this link, highlighting the decision making process around a diagnosis. In particular, this article focuses on the recent consideration that bereavement may no longer be excluded from the criteria of depression. http://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/01/25/health/depressions-criteria-may-be-changed-to-include-grieving.xml?single=1. As the date nears for final revisions for the DSM-V,(the diagnostic manual for mental health) it is highly likely that more information will be flooding the media. As you consider how this information applies to your own life, please keep in mind that there are good reasons for diagnoses (ex: insurance coverage, validation, medications, support services) and factors that can be detrimental (feel like the label defines the person, tells people that common struggles mean they are sick, etc.) For more on the subject, please read this previous post: http://www.sbscounseling.com/helpful-versus-harmful-uses-of-diagnoses/.
The Seven Snares of Suffering
Sometimes life is hard. A universal reality is that we all have dark times marked by pain and struggle, yet we often don’t realize that along this time in our journey there are certain mental snares that crop up. When they take hold, they distract us with meanings and interpretations that keep us weighed down and defeated. These steal away opportunities to grow from the struggle as well as hope that there are new joys to look forward to. The key is to know what to look for and how to respond so they are recognizable and easier to overcome. Over the next several weeks, I will highlight seven snares to look out for. Todays installment is:
Snare 1: The belief that an experience has the power to determine your character.
Self-doubt, shame, and regret plague people who believe that they are permanently marked because of something they experienced or an action taken. “I’m a failure” is stated with certainty because twenty years ago, the person was held back a grade. Another person, struggling with the impacts of childhood trauma, tearfully shares their deepest fear, “I’m damaged!” Like the scarlet letter, these negative labels develop and become so overwhelming in the psyche that they overshadow any other qualities or potentials. They color everything: choices, behaviors, friendships, even what is allowed to be dreamed. The labels take hold and strip their victim of freedom, esteem, and hope.
This snare denies that we are human beings constantly growing and changing. We have the capacity to learn, change our environment, and gain new perspectives by inviting different people into our lives. We also are larger than any one experience. Hardships and traumas do occur that are beyond our control. Our power, our responsibility to ourselves, lies in what we do about it.
- Refuse to believe that any one label is big enough to define a life. Notice your thoughts. See what kind of beliefs constantly tell you who you are supposed to be or how you should respond. These force you into roles that keep you limited and stuck. Begin to poke holes in these assumptions: notice contradictory information that provides evidence of how complex you really are. Ask others about their perspectives or approaches so you can increase your repertoire of potential responses.
- Use visuals to change the experience you have of yourself. Perhaps you can imagine a waterfall that has the power to wash away mental baggage. Another option would be to imagine cutting loose the beliefs or patterns that constantly pull at you or weigh you down.
- Deconstruct your situation to see what you may have overlooked. Look for assumptions that might be at play, identify triggers that might be active that bring up the same old feelings. Consider what advice you may give a friend (which is often contrary to what you tell yourself if negative labels exist). Finally, identify what you hope to accomplish and what values are important to you so you can incorporate those elements into solutions you consider. This process will take you out of autopilot and help you become as flexible as a stream that changes direction when a stone falls into the water.
Radio Show Update
Thank you to all who listened to the show Friday, hoping to hear about bullying in step-families.Here is a link that allows you to listen at your leisure: http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/stepwisdom/id485508440 . Some ideas that you can look forward to hearing:
- Bullying is a euphemism for behavior that is hurtful and frightening. We need to recognize that it is really harassment, defamation, abuse, or cruelty so we do not risk minimizing how this feels and the need to wisely respond.
- Although we often talk about this as a phenomenon with children, it is a dynamic that can happen anywhere and at any age. It is particularly difficult when it occurs in the home because that is supposed to be the base that provides the security and love that allows kids to take risks and explore. When the base is unsafe, the world becomes much harder to endure.
- The Cinderella story has numerous examples of bullying in a step family. To name a few: basing family rules and discipline along blood lines, not including the step-child in the family decision making or activities, and criticizing or drawing attention to issues in front of other family members so the child loses “face” along with having problems pointed out. With her own children, the mother figure is so fixated on who she wants her daughters to be, she does help them be successful based on their own skill sets. Instead, she forces them into roles where they are destined to fail.
- One of the greatest tools we have as adults is to model safe expression of feelings, collaboration, value of each person, and respect. With each interaction, we teach children that relationships can be mutual and loving rather than based on power.
- One area that we hope can change is the treatment of people who are in blended families. There is a bias out there that somehow they are less capable or less healthy than families that have not had divorce. If the family has difficulties, problems can be blamed for being “step” and then left unaddressed, children can feel like they are destined to fail in future relationships because they come from a “broken home”, and families can feel second class. How can we as a society appreciate that families can be healthy and happy in many forms?
I look forward to hearing questions and comments to the information discussed. Together we can help create resilient kids and families through preventative measures. When bullying does occur, face it head on and help targets and bullies alike so they both get the help they need to have successful and satisfying relationships.