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Snare 6: Comparing
While facilitating a group for sexual abuse survivors, I learned to issue a warning every time a new member joined the fold. For some reason, there was a strong tendency to rate trauma, using measures like the degree of the assault and the number of times the abuse occurred. The conclusion would determine how much suffering a person was justified to have and how much support they should expect. I had to clarify that every person who sat in the circle was there because they had a common bond; someone had taken liberties with their bodies, impacting their trust, sense of safety, and wholeness. Each person has unique aspects to their story, partially determining what will be needed for recovery, and in our group all stories are legitimate as-is.
I couldn’t help but wonder why this speech was necessary. What purpose would such an assessment provide and why did so many people do it?
Toxic Belief 1: Other People Have Suffered More Than Me….
The end of that sentence is usually, “so what do I have to complain about?” Suddenly, a moment of honesty turns into shame. It is as if there is an inherent character flaw that would cause someone to be so weak, so needy as to think their personal truth has any validity.
Imagine a child coming home in tears, stating that his best friend made fun of his clothes while other kids laughed at him. The parent turns to the child and says, “Stop being such a baby. There are kids in the world who don’t even have clothes.” Although I hate even writing such a scenario because it is so mean, it is the emotional equivalent to what is happening internally. No matter what other people are going through, you are still hurting and need support.
Opposite Toxic Belief 2: No One Has Struggled Like Me
There is no medal for enduring pain, nor does it automatically engender respect. This belief does nothing more than promote self-righteousness and entitlement. Such elements are the perfect recipe for discounting the pain of others (Note how one toxic belief promotes the opposite toxic belief).
I’m sure that you have enjoyed this “one-upping” at some point in your life. If you had back pain during pregnancy, another mother responds with her misery at being bed-ridden. If you had a confrontation with your boss, you are reminded that it is nothing compared to the bully another person has had to deal with at work. This person kids him/herself into thinking that this is friendly conversation, but if we are honest, it is feigned empathy and nothing more than a plea for attention.
Neither belief is desirable, but there is a way that comparing may be beneficial. When pain emerges, it becomes all-encompassing and heavy. The positives in life can be forgotten or overlooked, making the situation feel even more desperate. If a person is able to look at the suffering of others and reconnect with some of the blessings they have forgotten, something beautiful can happen. Like a cactus flower in the desert, gratitude and hope can emerge in the emotional desolation. This is the very fuel that can help a person endure.
Happily, empathy and compassion are not scarce resources; support will grow when shared. Find common ground and hold up one another. The bumpy roads will be more tolerable when there is good company along the way.
Questions
- Am I allowing my experience to be legitimate, no matter what others have gone through?
- Am I recognizing the needs that I have because of this situation?
- How might I meet these needs with compassion and kindness?
- Are there others who may be able to understand where I am coming from so I don’t have to face this alone?
- How can I use my situation to support someone going through a similar hardship?
Snare of Suffering #5: It’ll Never End
When you are in the midst of something painful, it is hard to believe that anything else positive exists. The struggle seems to impact everything- energy, attitudes, opportunities, and even hope. Like spoiling food in the fridge, we can’t sense the vitality- everything is unpleasant until the source of the problem is eliminated.
Here is where an aspect of reality can bring great comfort: your struggle will change. Even when we wish things to stay the same, it is not possible. “Don’t ever change”, “Happily ever after” or “I’m turning twenty nine for the fifteenth time!” We age, we grow, we learn, and we gain new perspective. From the smallest cell to large life transitions- our situation shifts all the time. I witness this all the time when I talk to people who are upset. For example, Jack starts talking about his mother’s death and the penetrating, suffocating sadness he feels every day. As he begins to share his pain, he recalls small interactions that he had taken for granted. In the retelling, he shares tenderness, humor, frustration, and joy. It took just a few moments before Jack’s experience reflected the complexity of his relationship and the joy of his rich emotional life.
I have come to see life much like a mountain stream. One moment it may be clear and cool, while seconds later it is clouded with mud. It may wind lazily in some areas, but when compressed into a small space, becomes rough and unruly. Water is a great source of wisdom for how we can approach life. The water does not lament about what it used to be or should be, nor does it remain steadfast because that is how it has always been done. If a branch falls into the water, it finds a way around the obstacle. If the riverbed is disrupted, the water adapts to the new conditions. All the while the stream flows and makes its mark on the landscape.
Like the flexibility of water, the key is to discern how we need to change when struggle arises. There will be factors within our capacity to influence and ways we work with what we have rather than attempt to move against the current. Other elements offer opportunities to gain new skills or learn qualities that build character. For example, suffering might require:
- Insight: what life lessons might this situation offer me that can create a whole new understanding about me and my life?
- Restraint: to truly have choice, we must have more options than just impulsive reactivity.
- Use: the time to find that strength comes through collaboration rather than what we can do alone.
- Endurance: the true teacher of patience and learning to accept how little we actually control
- Avoidance: those moments when the best thing to do is walk away.
There is no path that will not have difficult challenges to face. Like joys, these will come and go, because your path drives you ever forward. But in the end, all these elements are only temporary but become part of what shapes who you are and what kind of legacy you can leave behind. Thank you, dear friend who recently told me, “If you’re going through hell, keep moving!”
All Stressed Out and No One to Choke
Rather than working in survival mode and inching ever closer to critical mass, this seminar will give you the tools you need to stay grounded and avoid assault charges. Increase awareness of red flags by understanding the emotional, cognitive, phsycial and spiritual impacts of stress. Then learn strategies that can positively mpact your overall lifestyle as well as provide needed tools for times of crisis. Enjoy this free interactive and informative opportunity. A salad bar will be provided by Augustana’s Health Ministry team.
Location: Augustana Lutheran Church at 5000 E Alameda Ave, Anna Paulson Room
Date: April 29th, 2012
Time: 11:45 a.m.
Sign up with Augustan’as office (303.388-4678) or contact staff parish nurse, Sheryl Stenseth for more information.
Research On Memories
There has been a great deal of discussion in the field about the way memories are stored. Working collaboratively with other fields, there has been a strong belief that our experiences affect us on numerous levels (specific postures can trigger a memory, massage therapists often describe people with spontaneous emotional outbursts when they rub certain muscles, and there is research to support impacts on a cellular level). This recent research from MIT provides further confirmation that our memories are a physical phenomenon impacting neurons, not just a collection of thoughts in the brain. Although EMDR has been one of the pioneer methods to treat trauma in the body, this new information might pave the way for treatments never before dreamed of.
http://www.extremetech.com/extreme/123485-mit-discovers-the-location-of-memories-individual-neurons
Brene Brown Talk
A great talk about how vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but an act of courage. Enjoy!
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
Placebo Effect
The following is an interesting piece that aired on 60 minutes. It talks about the phenomenon of the placebo effect regarding anti-depressants, stating that medications are best served by the severely depressed rather than those with milder forms. http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504803_162-57380908-10391709/how-the-powerful-placebo-effect-works/ It raises some interesting questions, with a few listed below:
- How do we distinguish those who need the medication from those who could be better served by a placebo?
- Is it ethical to prescribe medication that causes side effects when a sugar pill would have the same benefits but no drawbacks?
- If they are suggesting that we have more capacity to improve mood with our minds, what is going on that we feel such a need for the medical “cure”?
- What is ethical? Harvard researcher, Irving Kirsch, stated that the phenomenon is more effective the more invasive, and more expensive it is. He even mentioned placebo surgeries! Is there no other way to help these people accept that they are o.k. without such drastic measures?
- What is the role of the drug companies and the FDA?
I post this with a word of caution. Please DO NOT stop taking your medication in response to this. This is being shared in the hopes of promoting conversation. Any medicinal changes you choose to make should be done in collaboration with your prescribing doctor. Meanwhile, I look forward to hearing any reactions to this piece and creating a discussion that will help the community be better informed.
Bullying Documentary On The Way
There’s a fascinating doc coming out called “Bully”, where it shows footage of children enduring the abuse as well as some of the consequences. See the trailer here: http://youtu.be/5114WHxofzU
Unfortunately, the MPAA gave it an R rating due to language, almost guaranteeing no kids will see it and certainly making it more difficult for the movie to be used as a wider tool for conversations between parents, students, school officials and our society at large. Harvey Weinstein is threatening the MPAA because he believes in this movie so much. Read more here:
When this movie comes out, please help support the message by encouraging formats where the movie can be viewed and discussed.