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Thought for the Day
Even after all this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,
“You owe me.”
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky.
– Sufi potet Hafiz
A Wish For You On The Day Of Gratitude
A Gathering Of Life
It is not the passing of years
but the ripening wisdom of living
It is not just the toll taken
but a well of receiving and giving
It’s not just the people come and gone
but the heart’s many faces and forms.
Not just the winds of change and chance
but a weathering of stalls and storms
It is not just the luck of survival
but the brave conquering of strife
It is not, after all, just the passing of years
but a gathering of love and life.
– Terah Cox
Day of Rememberance
There are numerous people who are discriminated against, harassed, and even murdered. One such group is the transgender community and they annually honor all of those whose lives have ended in the past year due to hideous hate crimes. If you have any interest in learning about a group that is misunderstood and persecuted, I highly recommend attending one of these two free opportunities:
1. Metropolitan Community Church will have a special service following the movie, “Trans”. Event: November 17th, 2012 at 980 Clarkson St., Denver 6:30 p.m. in the sanctuary
2. Jefferson Unitarian Church is hosting the Gender Identity Center’s ceremony. Event: November 20th from 7- 9 p.m. 14350 W. 32nd Ave Golden.
Our Response to Tragedy
There has recently been a tragedy so horrific, there is no word that can capture the nature of the crime or the surrounding sentiment it has provoked. Jessica Ridgeway, a ten year old girl living in the suburb where my practice is located, was brutally murdered this past month. From the time of her disappearance to the recent arrest of the seventeen year old suspect, Austin Sigg, it has rocked the entire community to the core. Anyone who was lulled into a belief that their neighborhood is immune to trauma has been shocked into a sad reality.
As the system does its job to address the survivors’ needs and seek intervention for the killer, we must now ask ourselves what our own response should be as the community. It is so tempting for fear and anger to consume our thoughts, obsessively fantasizing that “justice prevail!” Yet there is no such thing as justice here. Nothing we do will bring Jessica back. Nothing we do will remove the scars this tragedy will leave on the hurting hearts of loved ones. Nothing we do will restore Austin’s family to their previous sense of innocence.
This event is now a part of our community narrative and I implore all of us to resist the temptation of letting seductive emotions overcome our potential for love, compassion, and thoughtful action. Blame and resentment will only provide the foundation for reactivity and the justification for cruelty. Revenge will dominate so completely that we will be blind to any potential to learn and grow from the experience. As Ghandi said, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”
If you think this is not possible, consider the Amish reaction to the school shooting that left five of their young ones dead . “Within hours of the shooting, several Amish had already visited Robert’s wife Marie (The wife of the school shooter) and to counsel her in her grief. One family, of one dead child had even invited Marie to the funeral of their daughter that had been killed by Marie’s husband.(1) The Amish leaders have insisted that a fund be setup for the Marie and her three children. There has been no hate our pointing of fingers by the Amish at anyone even the widow of the killer. All that has come out from the Amish is a love of God and forgiveness.(2)
This may seem so contradictory to instinct, yet I believe firmly that we are more than a bundle of reactions. We have the ability to choose, and hopefully it is in a way that leaves us stronger, wiser, and more deeply committed to promoting good in the world. For those struggling with anger, I respectfully direct you to two articles that I have written that are relevant on the subject, oozing anger (3) and forgiveness (4). For those struggling with fear, action will help you move from vulnerability to empowerment. If you are the parent, take this opportunity to protect your greatest treasure: your child. Consider contacting “Impact” (5), an organization dedicated to helping people become strong in the face of danger. (They are currently working on developing a program for Girl Scouts!) Or perhaps there is a self-defense course- many are available that are custom fit to various developmental ages. As for the neighborhood, you may want to start a community watch program or request that your school create a presentation for their students on best safety practices.
Other potential responses that can soothe the hurting soul:
- Do what you can do support causes that help victims in their healing.
- For friends of both families (Jessica’s and Austin’s), realize that there is no time limit on grief. Most of the overt support will last a few months, but the process of finding some kind of new norm will take years. What do you need so you can walk side by side with these hurting people? What will it take to endure the long road?
- Dwell in compassion: consider what the Austin’s family is going through as they are shocked by the previously unknown deadly mental illness that has consumed their son and taken away his ability to have a fulfilling life. Before this event, he was known as a shy, friendly kid who spent two years in choir. Now he is only known as Jessica’s killer.
- Refuse to vilify a sick young man. He is also a victim- someone whose mind is compromised by severe mental illness. No one who has a fully working conscience or ability to have healthy self-control can do what he did. He is afflicted and needs the system to protect him from himself.
I know my sentiments may not be easy to hear, but I feel it is necessary to avoid spiraling into darkness. Let us cry together, witness each to each other, and stand strong with the support of loving friends.
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
– William Ernest Henley
_____________________________
1 http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=14900930
2 http://forums.anandtech.com/showthread.php?t=1945182.
3 http://www.sbscounseling.com/snare-4-oozing-anger
4 http://www.sbscounseling.com/forgiveness/
5 http://www.impact-colorado.org/
We Like To Be Right
The following article talks about a phenomenon that has been well researched over the years called confirmation bias.
http://www.smartthinkingbook.com/2012/10/you-end-up-believing-what-you-want-to.html
Although he does not use that terminology specifically, his reflection is the same: people have a strong tendency to see a situation in a way that confirms what they already believed or suspected. The more this happens, the stronger these beliefs become until they are well-developed biases that shape our view of the world.
It was once argued by Anthony Greenwald1 that there is a benefit to this tendency. Because we experience the world as predictable, it helps increase our sense of stability and cohesiveness in the world. While this may help everyone feel more comfortable, it is not without costs.
First of all, this pattern is the very phenomenon that leads to self-fulfilling prophecies. If we believe something is going to happen, on subtle or overt levels, we tend to behave in ways that create the very conclusions we anticipated. For example, consider a spouse who believes the in-laws are not welcoming. During a visit, this individual will be on guard and wary, unaware that the tone of an interaction is typically set within three seconds. The family will read the prickly presentation and respond in kind. If this happens repeatedly, eventually the belief will become reality- the family is not warm because they dread the tension that comes whenever these interactions take place.
Next, it creates fixed ways of thinking that inhibit learning. One is not open to new perspectives or alternative ways of thought that could create greater understanding and context. Instead, there are only eyes for what is already known, keeping paradigms well in place and collaboration between different views almost impossible.
With such a system in place, cognitions become fixed and inflexible. When new information arises, we are not able to consider the new information so we respond in habitual ways. While a certain response might have been appropriate for one scenario, it may no longer hold true when even slight circumstances have changed. For example, your family may have taught you that the best way to show love is by showering you with affection. Years later, however, your spouse responds best to appreciation and compliments. Although both situations involve showing love, if you stick to old what you learned and not adjust to what your partner wants, s/he will be less satisfied and you will feel rejected. It is important to be able to change as the circumstances arise. Otherwise, these fixed ideas will leads to poor decision making.
Finally, the situation becomes distorted: if someone is only open to what they already know, information might be missed or experiences distorted. As Elliot Aronson2 stated, “the failure to update our conception of the world in the face of new and discrepant information can result in a mistaken picture of reality. These consequences are not just mental but can show their face in social problems that we call racism, sexism, prejudice, and just plain stupid thinking.” (p. 149)
To avoid some of these negative consequences, there are several steps one can take:
- Be wary of labels because they are often highly colored and emotionally loaded. Instead, focus on descriptions of the experience much like a reporter tries to stick to the facts and let the reader decide what conclusions to draw.
- Be curious. Look for evidence of your position and consider if there might be other perspectives or interpretations you may not have seen upon initial impression.
- Try to use more than one way to categorize. Be especially careful if your original thoughts are unflattering or negative.
- Consider if this viewpoint is helpful or if it leads to difficulties. (What are the advantages/disadvantages to thinking this way). If it seems to lead to problems, try again.
- Try to see each situation with fresh perspective, recognizing that each moment has unique qualities and potentials.
- Consider the question: have you caught yourself shutting out new information because you were too invested in what you already thought was true?
Our desire to confirm what we already believe is a common trait and part of the human condition. The trick is to be aware of this tendency so we reconnect with freedom of thought and action. Life has a wealth of possibilities and through mental discipline, it is possible to make the most out of each moment.
________________
1 Greenwald, A.G. (1980). The totalitarian ego: Fabrication and revision of personal history. American Psychologist, 35, 603-618.
2 Aronson, E. (1992). The social animal. (6th ed.) .New York, NY: W. H. Freeman and Company.
Are Boundaries A Way To Justify Excluding People?
One of the things I appreciate is when someone asks great questions about a concept to ensure the principles fit with personal experience and values. One such situation just happened around the idea of boundaries, “If having healthy boundaries means becoming clearer about expectations, do we send away (by intention or self-selection) those people who don’t like boundaries or aren’t otherwise healthy? By doing that, are we not simply sending away the ‘more’ broken, hurting and marginalized among us? If we don’t love them, who will?” (Client) Knowing that boundaries are a vital part.
First, we must move away from the idea that boundaries are something imposed upon others like some kind of punishment. It is a form of protection that ensures one’s time, space, financial resources, emotional energy, and spiritual well-being (to name a few) are preserved. If I continually allow someone to take up my time when I have other things to do, or if I give so much that I have nothing left for myself or loved ones, it takes a toll. One particular outcome is the potential for resentment and contempt to grow. There is little ability to move towards resolution or reconciliation, let alone having fun together if one of you is full of resentment towards the other. When we take care of ourselves through limits, goodwill is preserved because we have not volunteered to be used or taken advantage of.
Second, our role is not to become less healthy to draw others in. I have often heard Christians struggle because they say that they have been encouraged to “turn the other cheek.” We forget that Jesus was very controversial and often made statements that were hard for people to hear. He overturned tables and upset a whole industry because they were violating the holiness of God’s House by turning it into a market. He chastised the religious leaders because they were more interested in following the rules than being able to respond to a human in need. Jesus cared so much for all people; he was willing to endure relationship rifts because their well-being was more important than being liked or keeping others comfortable.
Instead, we offer something wounded people often have been denied: clear expectations, defined roles, and respect. There will be some people who will feel uncomfortable with this because it is unfamiliar. However, we can help alleviate this distress by being open about why we are implementing the boundaries in such a way and help them understand that this promotes greater equanimity and accountability, improved communication, and care Mary Ann Williams wrote:
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Compassion and empathy encourages us to help the lost and afraid. Some cannot accept this kind of warmth and will run to the shadows- they are not ready yet. But this does not change the goodness that we offer- when he/she is ready. Our healthy boundaries ensures that when they are ready to try again, there will be someone there who is safe, trustworthy, and healthy. The great paradox about boundaries is that if you look after your own needs, you will help the relationship in the long term.
- “Good fences make good neighbors” -Robert Frost (I would add, just make sure there is a gate)
- “Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers.” – Anonymous
- “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you. – Proverbs 25:1
Lady Gaga Makes Courageous Disclosure
Lady Gaga recently shared a photo of herself clad in a yellow lingerie bikini and disclosed an eleven year battle with body dysmorphia, bulimia, and anorexia. http://littlemonsters.com/image/5061bde86d1be6f92e0014f2 I appreciate her willingness to share something so personal. Hopefully it will raise awareness, help fellow suffers feel less alone, and clarify that an eating disorder is not a diet plan but a road paved with suffering. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, the following are some sobering facts:
- 95% of all dieters will regain their lost weight within 5 years.3
- 35% of “normal dieters” progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20-25% progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders.5
- The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females.3
- 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner (Collins, 1991).
- 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat (Mellin et al., 1991).
- Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder) in the U.S.
- Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please know this is not a journey one has to traverse alone. I have worked with eating struggles for years and if you call 303.915-5597, we can discuss an action plan to get you on the road to recovery. There is also a list of resources on the website for those who feel like food is an enemy.