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A Thought-Provoking Idea
The following link is a brief blog about a new take on thoe who experience depression. Instead of seeing this as a form of pathology, they are suggesting that there may be another viewpoint. People struggle with depression may be able to acceptance of one’s smallness and limits of control, to name a few. While I think that depression is highly complex, it is an idea that can bring more of a balanced perspective to those who deal with depression.
**The article has two strange symbols blocking some of the text. You can copy and past the information into a word document so it can be read without obstruction. http://disinfo.com/2013/04/do-depressed-people-simply-suffer-from-an-accurate-view-of-reality/
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is one of the most insidious ways one person can cause harm to another human being. Through constant jibes directed at one’s self-esteem, even the most confident person can be broken down over time. Sometimes it is obvious, like name calling and threats. Other times, it involves comments that undermine, manipulate, and emotionally bruise. The following article points out some key behaviors that mark this kind of relationship. It can help clarify that otherwise might be elusive, confusing, or even hard to admit.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/
Should this be something you struggle with, please seek the support you need to reclaim self-respect and empowerment. I recommend the following book to help further clarify what you are going through:
Forward, S. (1998) Emotional blackmail: When the people in your life use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate you.
The experience is often confusing because someone you believe cares about you is being cruel and manipulative.
The Secret To Desire
The following link is a Ted Talk presented by Ester Perel, a world renown sex therapist. She has traveled to over twenty countries to gain perspective about what keeps desire alive in a long term relationship. Not only does she highlight her three major findings, she also dispells, without saying it directly, myths that lie at the core of codependency. What I particularly found fascinating is that her description of love and desire are closely linked to the three basic needs we have as children: structure (i.e. safety), recognition, and stimulation.1 This is validating feedback that some needs we never outgrow. Please enjoy-
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1Clarke, J., & Dawson, C, (1998) Growing up again: Parenting ourselves, parenting our children. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Traits That Are Irresistible!
Although we all want to be “yummy” to our partners, our attractiveness is only part of the picture. I have identified ten key qualities or traits that are absolutely irresistible. At the end of the article, you will either celebrate what you already possess or have ideas on what to work towards. Once these qualities are in place, you will find your partner missing you when you are gone, bragging about you to friends, and wondering what good fortune led him/her to such a great catch.
In addition to realizing our own potential, there is an added benefit to these traits. Each element has been chosen because it represents one more way we can claim 100% responsibility for our experience in the relationship 100% of the time!
Drive
Rather than sitting back and seeing what life will provide, people with drive claim their lives. These are the knights that face dragons rather than ignore them. They see what they want and recognize their role in making it happen. Time is fluid- they focus on the future by learning from the past and seeing what can be done with the present. Such people are intoxicating for others because seeing such passion for life provokes others to see their own potentials. Nothing is sexier than hope!
Honesty
Eliminating hidden agendas, omitted details, and secrets creates emotional safety. There is no unnerving feeling that something is off. There is no need to assume the suspicious role of a detective. With integrity and trustworthiness, comes comfortable rest.
Self-control
This is really another word for the ability to choose. When something else is driving behavior (i.e., addiction, impulsivity, and hormones), the person can only say yes in the moment. If their urges pull anotherway later, there are no guarantees and no reliable commitments. This means that safety and security are lost. Therefore, if someone cannot say “no” to himself/herself, s/he risks losing what he/she already has.
Be Appealing
A partner may be able to offer unconditional love, but whether or not there is attraction (especially enduring) is dependent upon the level of appeal. Consider how you want to present yourself to the person you hope will hunger for you. If you take care of yourself, have good manners, and promote positive qualities, you maximize what you are able to offer. If you have stinky feet, belch, and talk about how ugly you are, that is a lot for your partner to overlook.
Listen
Do you realize that people tend to interrupt every 17 seconds! Most conversations look like two people sitting like hungry cats, poised to pounce on any gap in the conversation. For those who want a relationship rather than an audience, listening is key. Listening shows the other person that what they think and feel has value to you. You show that you’re willingness to think more about your partner than yourself. It is a moment of self-lessness in order to be truly present for the other person.
Be Respectful
If you haven’t guessed it by now, love is largely based on how the other person feels when he/she is with you. Respect involves showing the other person that they hold esteem and honor in your eyes. This trait, however, will have little value if it is dependent upon conditions. It’s easy to show kindness when things are going well, but it takes real maturity and character to be able to be kind even when there is hurt and anger.
Be Yourself
If you attempt to be more than what you are, the paradox is you might feel more desirable but you will also feel less loved. Your partner has learned to care about a façade or a fantasy of you, not the real you. Therefore, any love you receive is not for you but for the image. When the real you shines through, the love you receive is totally yours to enjoy.
Altruism
Altruism is the ability to recognize that there is more to life than taking. There is concern for others and the realization that there is a part we each can play in helping to make life more comfortable for others. This blends other traits already mentioned- a take charge attitude, hope, caring and empathy and directs them to a wider focus.
Work at it
When life gets busy and a relationship comfortable, it is easy to take the connection for granted. However, if this lasts for any length of time, a disconnection begins to grow and before you know it, you feel more like roommates than lovers. A major factor in maintaining a fulfilling, enduring relationship is to continue to make it a priority. Continue to woo- remember to do the things that helped you fall in love in the first place. Change things up so it stays fresh. Refuse to let issues go unaddressed so you stay open and engaged.
Humor
Joy and laughter are the fuel that gets us through even the toughest days. It relaxes the body, boosts the immune system, and releases body’s natural “happy” chemical (endorphins). Plus it’s fun! If used along with empathy to help a partner put things in perspective, you become an invaluable support system.
J Allan Petereson said it best when he highlighted the true nature of being in a relationship:
“Most people get married believing a myth— that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, and friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage; love is in people and people put it into marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to infuse it into their marriages. A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising…keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will empty.”
May you find yourself richly blessed with plenty to give, and gratitude for what you receive! Happy Valentines Day!
Understanding Mental Struggles
There is an idea that seems to endure despite research: people with mental health concerns deserve to be judged. It is believed they either lack self-control, are weak, or are simply undesirable burdens in society. I have even heard people state that the real issue is the consequence of sin. These beliefs harm people in multiple ways such as ostracizing already distressed souls or nationwide policies like the 1963 Community Mental Health Services Act that put unsafe and incapacitated individuals out on the streets. In my own practice, there are common feelings of guilt, shame and despair and subsequently noticeable relief when someone finds acceptance through our work together.
In all honesty, I cannot understand why there is so much venom around those with mental issues. I will never forget a statement made by someone after we watched a movie about the English writer, Virginia Woolf. This person believed that her depression and suicide showed how selfish people become when in this state. This woman had been plagued with breakdowns since the age of thirteen, dealt with sexual abuse by two brothers, and endured early losses of key family members. She also was afflicted with mental illness that clouded her mind and made every lovely element of life inadequate in overcoming her darkness. In her suicide note, Virginia wrote to her husband, “Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate.” Virginia Woolf’s story was not about her taking advantage of others or somehow benefiting from her struggles. This was a tortured soul. She may have seemed “simply down” on the outside, but inside she was in a battle with her mind and it eventually destroyed her.
Perhaps Kay Redfield Jamison was accurate when she said, “The horror of profound depression, and the hopelessness that usually accompanies it, are hard to imagine for those who have not experienced it. Because the despair is private, it is resistant to clear and compelling description.” (p. 105, 1999) I certainly understand that it is hard to fathom such despair of depression, the uncontrolled franticness that comes with mania, or the inability to tell delusion from reality like schizophrenia. I also realize that it is upsetting and painful to see another person tormented. Yet neither seems to explain the compassion void often seen in our society.
Another problem is the belief that people with mental issues have omnipotent control over their suffering. “Just think positive.” Sure, there is benefit to learning how to address negativity; however, there are limits to this solution. With such a belief, people are being asked to get better through wishing it so. However, they are asking for the thing that’s been compromised (the brain), to be the functional enough to cure itself!
A client just today said, “I know my panic is irrational, but it rages on anyway.” Many of the deep seated beliefs causing pain are resilient to logic. Logic works when the problem is logical; but emotional distress requires emotional solutions. Aside from sharing with others, most people do not know how to help their emotional struggles.
The truth is that temperament, genetics, brain structures, and environment sometimes combine in such a way as to have devastating, effects. There are painful costs to mental struggles including decreased quality of life for clients and their families, substantial economic loss, and the potential for mortality. Every thirteen minutes, someone commits suicide. Of those deaths, ninety percent have treatable mental disorders. Whether suffering from a mental illness or struggling to cope with a major transition or multiple stressors, many of the factors mentioned above are not within a person’s control.
Sometimes, just facing the day is all that can be managed.
We need to stop seeing mental affliction as a choice. We need to stop believing that anyone with sense would ever elect to suffer. We do not say someone is weak if they are dealing with cancer, even though it is heavy on all the people involved. Let’s give those with mental struggles the same benefit of the doubt. The mentally afflicted are more than just their struggle; they are people. They need our help to work against pervasive stigmatizing labels and appreciate those things that seem easy to some, seem insurmountable to others. Provide them with patience, support, and most importantly, compassion.
***Please note: there are treatments that have proven to provide significant relief for those with mood disorders or other mental health issues. Nutrition, exercise, supports, therapy, and medication are just a few of the ways help can be provided. If you or someone you know needs help taking that first step, don’t hesitate to call me at 303.915-5597.
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Community_Mental_Health_Act
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virginia_Woolf
Jamison, K. R., (2000) Night falls fast: understanding suicide. New York, NY: Random House, Inc.
1Berto, P, D’Ilario, D., Pierfrancesco, R, Di Virgilio, R., and Rizzo, F. (2000). Depression: Cost of illness studies in the international literature, a review. The Journal of Mental Health Policy and Economics J. Mental Health Policy Econ. 3, p. 3–8.
http://www.cdc.gov/features/dsdepression/index.html (January 9, 2013).
http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=05147440-E24E-E376-BDF4BF8BA6444E76 (January 9, 2013)
Holiday Survival
It is a common phenomenon in times of stress or struggle to turn our priorities upside down and alienate ourselves from the very things that can sustain us. We then operate out of deficiency rather than from a place of fullness and plenty. We will see the impacts of this all around: people yelling at each other over a parking place, cross, harsh faces complaining about why a toy is not on the shelves, children told to hurry up at the store because the schedule is tight. With all our stress and frustration, the idea of holiday cheer seems out of reach and the reminder, “It’ll all be over soon” is the one thought that seems to help us survive.
ACTION PLAN
Let’s resist falling into this trap. Let’s determine what is important, what experiences or efforts fit with that idea, and then create a plan so it can be a reality.
Time Management
Determine your priorities. We live in a culture that suggests that more is better. In reality, more is usually just more- more stress, more work, more responsibility. Have each member of your immediate family make a list that focuses on how they want to spend their time and what reflects the values you want to have. As a group, decide what is really important and what elements can be let go or turned into “plan B”. (Ex: singing carols, being with family, baking, writing a letter to Santa, building a snowman)
Create a schedule that reflects your priorities. If you want time to bake cookies, mark it down. If you want some time to ice skate, block it off. If a party feels more like an obligation than a treat, don’t be afraid to turn down the invitation. Be proactive about your schedule, and ensure there is time for fun. In the end, you may still be worn out, but it will be more like a roller coaster ride than a car crash.
Remember to keep some room for flexibility. During a storm, trees bend with the pressure of the wind, while staying firmly rooted to the ground. It is important to have some structure but also some wiggle room. Sometimes new information arises that we had not foreseen and it necessitate new options. Go with rather than fight against the unpredictable.
Handling Your Own Internal Critic
Liberate yourself from expectations. The reality of expectations is that when you set the bar high, anything that falls beneath that line will not be appreciated, including your own efforts. Replace your expectations with experiences. Find ways to make the best out of the circumstances you are given. Instead of fixating on results, be present for what unfolds. The memories will come even if they are not in a perfect package.
The following are ways to help:
- Continue with what you have already started today- identify what those expectations are.
- Focus on your own happiness. It is not your job to ensure that other people are enjoying themselves.
- See each day as an adventure.
- Find a partner who can support and help you in times of struggle.
- Expect that people will still behave as they usually do, ESPECIALLY because it is the holidays.
- Keep in mind that we all have our hurts and wounds. Keep compassion at the forefront. Examples: if Uncle Jo shows up drunk, realize he is probably trying to numb out from some kind of pain. If Aunt Gladys is critical again, know she may have been modeled this kind of behavior or is so unhappy she cannot appreciate the beauty around her.
- We all blow it at some time or another. Remember, tomorrow is another day.
Handling Difficult Relationships
Acknowledge your triggers and pre-determine ways to take care of yourself. This is a time of triggers. We were born with a certain number of painful experiences and relationships because we live with a bunch of human beings who are limited in different ways. If you take a step back and think about what upsetting feelings emerge around this time of year, you can go in with an action plan.
- Use your space wisely- who you sit next to, having objects between you and someone short tempered, an exit route, etc.
- Use your time wisely- there are all kinds of ways to create space. If you need a break, consider reasons you could leave the area (wash face, take a one-person tour, take the dog for a walk, etc.) Should your ability to manage feel short lived, consider what time to arrive and leave. You may even schedule something else to help support your decision.
- Use your friends wisely- talk to some people ahead of time and let them know your needs (ex: someone self-conscious about weight can ask that no comments be made about appearance)
- Identify ways you can stay grounded and neutral. Retain the choice whether or not to engage. Remember that you do not have to tolerate being treated in a disrespectful way.
If I were to boil down the greatest assets you have at your fingertips, it is the ability to plan. Those small, seemingly innocuous requests or expectations can add up and lead to feeling out of control. Remain conscious of the larger picture. Keep your values and options in front of you, reminding you that you always retain power over your life.
The Connection Between Secrets and Shame
Jannette Walls, author of her autobiography, “The Glass Castles”tells Oprah Winfrey about the shame she lived with for years. Inspite of hard earned success, her secrets created this belief that she was a fraud.. Taking advice from her mother, she found what could set her free. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naAy_juIOQk