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Self-Esteem: Take Out the Trash
I cannot think of a better tale than the Ugly Duckling http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/UglDuc.shtml to show how our basic sense of goodness can be derailed by shame and rejection. In the story, a simple mishap of a baby swan inaccurately labeled a duckling becomes life-threatening. In just moments of being introduced, the farm animals become physically assaultive and begin a daily ritual of vomiting ridicule. They are so certain of their right to judge him that they never ever consider any positives he might have to offer. Moreover, they are shockingly ignorant of their own ugliness, displayed in their behavior. Sadly, humans are no better. Through inflexible expectations, failed dreams, old wounds or agendas, there are breathtaking ways to justify cruelty. Like the duckling, we can spend years, even a lifetime trying to shed the impact of these hurtful experiences. It is only when we stop and face this head on that we have the potential to discover the truth hidden beneath the scars: each of us is valuable and part of our human family.
To begin, we must understand shame and how it can be healthy or worthless garbage. According to John Bradshaw1, healthy shame reminds us that we are limited and imperfect. We don’t get to have whatever we want, whenever we want it. Instead, we are social beings that must be sensitive to the needs of the group. Without this reminder, we become nothing more than obnoxious, entitled brats. I am grateful for the physical and emotional discomfort I experience when I’m blowing it. Just like physical pain warns of a wound, this distress indicates I’m out of line and jeopardizing relationships. Even better, the message paves the way for invaluable attributes to grow like patience, distress tolerance, gratitude, and altruism.
Unfortunately, I have yet to meet a human being who is not recovering from some form of toxic shame. The injury occurs when someone does not address an issue but rather attacks the person’s character and core sense of self. Whether due to misunderstanding, ignorance, or intentional meanness, our precious treasure of self-esteem is chipped away or blown apart. Sometimes these messages have no value and simply make us self-conscious. Other times, the accusations are generalizations and far from the original point. Think of the number of arguments that start with a simple topic and escalate to horrific proclamations. “If you keep eating like that, you’re never going to get a boyfriend.” “I wish I never had you kids.” “Stop being such a baby.” Sound familiar?
Everyone needs a sense of shame, but no one needs to feel ashamed. –Frederick Nietzsche
Now it is time to face long held beliefs that prevent you from enjoying a sense of worth:
- Write down all the messages you have come to accept as true about yourself.
- Do an initial test- what would it be like to describe a person you deeply loved in such a way? Does this feel like the description is an asset, or does it make you uncomfortable to even consider? If it is the latter, you have already identified one of your toxic culprits.
- Who is the author of this thought? In our innocence, it is very common to believe that others speak the truth and are free of biases/preferences, etc. Therefore, we must consider the validity of the source. Is this person trustworthy? Was this an accurate reflection or a distortion? Why would this person make such a statement? Was the person calm or agitated/defensive? Was this a unique interaction or a pattern? What does this belief suggest about the author?
- Explore the merit of the belief. Does this foster potential for growth and learning? Does it help you embody the qualities you value? Does it ignite or diminish courage and risk-taking? Does it encourage connection or create walls? Is this belief something worth keeping?
- Consider what has been minimized and what has been emphasized. What aspects of you were judged/devalued? In what ways did you compromise yourself to belong?
- Evaluate the impact. How was this helpful at the time? Does it still have some value? What patterns have emerged to sustain this belief? In what ways might the minimized parts of you be important or valuable?
- What would you like to believe about yourself? Repeat #4 to ensure this is a healthy replacement for the poison. How would this enhance your life? Is it realistic? Does it inspire you or bring hope? How might this help you be the best “you” possible?
- To change something so deeply engrained, the new belief must be regularly practiced. What habits need to be addressed to develop the new sense of self? What will ensure these practices will be maintained? What checks and balances can you put into place that will keep you moving forward rather than reverting to what has been so familiar? What needs to change in your environment so your growth is supported rather than thwarted?
These are not easy questions. For this exercise to be productive, it will take time, focus, and a willingness to look within. Please be aware that this might bring up some powerful feelings- for low self esteem is usually the outcome of old hurts. I encourage you to seek support through this process, including hugs, a kind ear, and gentleness. Meanwhile, you have already begun to take a stand. Through the very act of exploring, it shows that some part of you knows you are worth fighting for!
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1Bradshaw, J. (2003). Healing the Shame That Binds You. (Rev. ed.). Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
How to Stop Personal Cruelty
Now that we’ve gotten to know our inner-critic better, the following suggestions are ways to take this important step towards self-directed kindness:
Stop blindly believing in the scarcity model. There is enough love to go around. And it is not because of what we do or how we serve others, it is just because we exist. Refuse to ever allow your worth to be up for debate. Life will bring a myriad of challenges and joys, but that is what you experience, learn from, and deal with. It is never about your deeper character or heart. Here are a few suggestions that might help:
- When something discouraging happens, stick to the facts only. So often, we follow up on those observations with interpretations, often including statements about our worth. “I missed the meeting this morning” therefore “I’m a mess and can’t be relied upon for anything.” Instead, “I missed the meeting- I need to apologize to the presenter for my absence and find out how I can get the information that I missed.”
- Someone who is intelligent and thoughtful will be able to learn without having to be severely punished. Do not buy into the common belief that the level of suffering will determine the motivation to overcome this issue. (Some people do need consequences, but that is when they are stuck in unhealthy patterns and have no motivation to change because they are often rescued by well-intended loved ones.) This is nonsense. If a mistake is made; learn from it, make amends, take precautions to prevent it again, and then move on.
- Self-esteem can never last from achievement. You will only be as good as your last success (short-lived). Find out what you value in a person and do your best to live in a like manner.
- Find whatever ruler you’ve been using to judge yourself and then determine how you can change it into passions, goals, and experiences. Refuse to compete with expectations that have the underlying agenda where you feel pressure to measure up.
Practice Compassion. Remember that in difficult times, the last thing we need to hear is some kind of verbal salt poured into the wound. Instead, it’s time for tenderness, understanding, and encouragement. Most of us are doing the best we can with what we have. Have a little faith that you are trying your best, and no matter the outcome, it always gives valuable information about what to do next.
- Every time you behave in ways that seem counterproductive, see this as a lack of awareness about choices, doing what has been modeled, or a deficiency in skills. By looking more at the factors rather than responding out of fear and blame, we can be more accepting of our experience.
- Truly seek to understand what is behind a given thought, feeling or behavior with openness. Even when our experiences are colored with highly charged emotions, there is still important information to be gleaned.
- Consider how this might change your experience if you found some daily way to affirm: “A friend is a fellow who knows all about you, but likes you.” 10-year-old boy.
- Remember, we are all bundles of barely contained messes. When you make a mistake, know you are in good company.
Be responsible without the ugly practice of blaming. The latter is mean, pointing out the problem with a proverbial finger and an accusation. The former is about ownership and the power to seek out solutions.
It happens all the time in heaven, and someday it will begin to happen again on earth- that men and women… who give each other Light, often will get down on their knees and with tears in their eyes, will sincerely speak, saying, “My dear, how can I be more loving to you; how can I be more kind?” Hafiz p. 239
The Quest For Self-Esteem: First Stop Cruelty
Before we begin, spend the next several minutes writing down the honest feelings and beliefs you have about yourself. For instance, organized, thoughtful, out of control, or invisible, to name a few. Once completed, read this to a trusted support person aloud, acting as though you are sharing this about them, or read it as if it was a letter you found that had been given to a loved one. What was this like? What reaction did you have to the messages when you considered it being directed at someone else?
Self-inflicted Cruelty
We have all heard it. Someone criticizing themselves with labels, harsh expectations, and blame. My heart aches when I watch another human being be shamed and humiliated for the sin of being imperfect. What happened? The moment we are born people celebrate the new life; not for what he/she may potentially do, or even what they are doing (crying and pooping). They are just loved. But over time, our elation gives way to some toxic indoctrination that we are only as good as our level of conformity or measurable successes.
How it works: (to name just a few)
The Foot-in-the-door technique: when individuals agree to what seems like a small thing, they are usually unaware of the human tendency to commit themselves further once they are “in”. Small compromises, done subtly, are easy to justify but in time lead to greater demands. The inner critic works on this very principle- a harsh label or shaming statement here and there can have limited impacted, but as the tapes become familiar and tolerated, the cruelty will become relentless. Pretty soon, self-esteem is compromised and if there is no resistance, a belief surfaces: If I tolerate being treated badly, I must not be worth fighting for.
The diagnosis bias– defined as the inability to reevaluate our initial diagnosis of a person or situation. This is largely due to the fact that we discount any evidence that goes against our belief and instead, look for any information that validates our opinion. As I mentioned before, self-esteem is something deeply entrenched in our sense of self. If the critical messages are like an old friend, our tendency is to remain very loyal and negate anything that does not fit with the ugly messages you’ve been hearing.
The myth of prevention: no one likes rejection, disappointment, or falling short. One way to deal with this pervasive human fear is to anticipate it so it will be as painful. Other people believe that if they attack themselves first, they take away the ammunition from others. But in reality, these experiences hurt and the benefit you might receive is minimal.
Stop this craziness now! No more “I’m so _______!” (Pick one you know- stupid, defective, worthless, broken, etc.) We cannot expect ourselves to take risks, be vulnerable, have faith, and see our own worth when we are perpetuating a cycle of abuse. We may be able to put on a good face for others, acting as though everything is fine. However, we cannot fool ourselves. If we respond to shortcomings or mistakes with a bag full of attacks, we basically beat down the tender parts of our spirit, adding salt in the wound with messages that we are nothing more than failures or disappointments.
Optional Activity:
- Meet your critic. For two days, just notice how many times the messages come to mind. Tally. Next, write down the actual critical remarks.
- Begin to recognize how the critic treats you. The more you are aware, the more power you have to change it.
- Visualize yourself at a young age. Imagine that this child is on your shoulder when you engage in self-talk. Choose who gets to speak to this little person: someone with compassion or the critic.
5 Things to Do When You Feel Insecure
Since I am going with a theme around self-esteem, I’d like to sprinkle in some wisdoms from others as well. The following is a sweet little article that hopes to minimize triggers and remind the person suffering that having a bad “self” day is something that can be survived. http://news360.com/article/187481800
The Quest for Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is a term that is thrown around all the time. So before I go any further, let me start by ensuring there is agreement about what this topic actually is. Self-esteem is the entrenched set of beliefs we hold about ourselves and our place in society. It is not intact at birth but develops over time based largely on how the world has related to us. It is a familiar, almost automatic filtering system that ensures all experiences reinforce rather than contradict. This process is vitally important because our core beliefs form the foundation upon which all other aspects of our personality are built. We become enormously threatened by anything that contests what we deem “true” about our core self. Even if self-esteem manifests as a mean critic who turns anything positive into misery, we defend these views against any challenger, even ourselves.
Our society loves to give quick fixes to improve self-esteem. SNL’s Stuart Smally poked fun at the commonly held belief that simply changing the mental tape will be enough. Just repeat daily, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Author Nathaniel Brandon took it a step further, suggesting saying positive words while standing naked before a mirror. Others have suggested addressing these issues in the young, promising only positive feedback or meeting almost every need. The lovely intension is to shelter them from experiencing failure or disappointment. In reality, it only robs children of the chance to develop skills that will help them handle these natural parts of life. Once beyond the protective fantasy, the real world will feel cruel and overwhelming.
Of course, there are other ways to deal with painful self-esteem. Sound familiar?
- Embark on one self-improvement project after another
- Play it safe rather than risk failure
- Lose the present moment by floating between regrets of the past and worries of the future.
- “Enjoy” personal contempt. Cartoonist Jules Feiffer puts it: “I grew up to have my father’s looks, my father’s speech patterns, my father’s posture, my father’s walk, my father’s opinions and my mother’s contempt for my father.”
- Highlight faults to prevent other people from vocalizing what we fear to be true.
- Point out other people’s faults; a great way to disown embarrassment felt about our own insecurities.
No matter how nice it sounds, changing self-esteem is not a question of will or self-talk. It is also not about perfection, success or comfort. We are talking about the scary, maddening, endearing journey of rotor-rooting the core way we see ourselves. Over the next few months, I hope to highlight a few of the steps towards embracing imperfection and perhaps even finding some contentment along the way.
Pushing Through Procrastination
The following article is a great list of tips to move against our tendency to delay. We all do it- rationalize away any responsibility so we can enjoy short-term comfort with the simple word “later”. However, people often cannot fully let go of the nagging reminder that something is still waiting to be addressed. Rather than have conflicted fun, one can use the strategies mentioned to push through the desire to procrastinate and fully enjoy the rewards of a job well done.
http://lifehacker.com/use-mood-repair-to-beat-down-procrastination-1497944158
It’s Not Just Hype
A client recently shared how frustrated and hurt she was with all the pressure she was experiencing from family and friends. Her loved ones kept telling her to stop relying on medication and do the work to overcome her mental struggles. These individuals may be well-meaning (benefit of the doubt), perhaps worried about the big business of pharmaceutical companies or the trends of over-diagnosing disorders like ADHD. While no system is perfect, we need to remember that individuals suffering from a mental health issue are hurting and impacted so much that they struggle to function, work, and even make mundane decisions. This advice belittles the amount of pain, how the body and mind are impacted during these times, and the risks involved. In the end, the naivety is shaming and recklessly dangerous.
Let’s highlight some commonly held myths:
- Disorders like depression can be taken care of with positive thinking and healthy choices. Dr. Joseph Wegmann, a doctor of pharmacy and a regular presenter for the APA, says there are many causes for clinical depression:
- Reactive: rearing patterns, social environment, or a shattering emotional experience are the main issues. One may have inadequate coping strategies or be unable to process something that is extreme and traumatic. Even though these are environmental, research has shown that they can cause biological changes in the brain.
- Medical: culprits like hypothyroidism, diabetes, and chronic pain are shown to contribute and cause clinical depression.
- Biological: this is when the chemistry of the brain is out of balance. In the case of depression, there are specific chemicals (serotonin, norepinephrine, and GABA) that send neurological messages to the brain that say, “I feel good; I’m satisfied.” For those with biological issues, the message never arrives because the sending neuron calls back the courier before the message can be delivered. In such a situation the brain is much more vulnerable and impacted by life events, not having the benefit of built-in protection.
- Structural: Kay Jameson Redfield added an additional category, noting structural differences in the brain. PET scans revealed that bipolar patients exhibit an enlargement of the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for activating the fight-or-flight system, an increase in white-matter lesions which affect the water in the brain tissue, and severe depletions in glial cells which provide growth factors and nutrients to nerve cells. (p. 193)
Imagine telling someone with diabetes to wish themselves into increased insulin, a cancer sufferer to pull up their boot straps, or telling a veteran who’s experienced unimaginable horrors that s/he just needs to move on. These struggles are real and hard! Anyone who believes that all this would disappear if people would stop being so passive is delusional! No one can change these factors by wishing it to be so. If it were that simple, people would have done it long ago.
2. Everyone has down times. This is just an extreme reaction. Depression is complex, often a blend of numerous distressing emotions that have deep roots. Other times, it can emerge for no observable reason whatsoever. Where downtimes pass, depression/bipolar enters a person’s life without invitation, and hangs out like an unwanted houseguest that can last for years. The overwhelming experience is debilitating, taking away previously enjoyed activities, motivation, meaning, and energy.
3. This ailment means I’m crazy or weak. It is not about age, intelligence, gender, or economic status. These disorders can strike at anyone. Some of the most capable people I know have struggled with a mental health issue; and to me those people who are willing to face it head on are some of the bravest.
Seeing the suffering first-hand, I am dedicated to helping my clients feel better and I will utilize any tools that could help. After all, the consequences are too costly. Consider the following statistics:
- 45% of all suicides were inflicted with depression
- The strongest risk factor for suicide is depression, 20 times that of the general population.
- Major Depressive Disorder is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15-44. (3)
- In the United States, people with mental illnesses have one of the lowest rates of employment of any group with disabilities – only about 1 in 3 is employed.
For a significant number of people, medication makes a major difference. 55% report relief with the first treatment attempt. 80% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully and the most effective intervention is the combination of medications and therapy. Do I recommend this for all my clients? No, but if there are significant difficulties dealing with life, if there is no ability to experience joy, if it is life threatening, or is causing major life consequences, it’s negligent to not encourage medication.
The path is not easy. As mentioned above, 45% of people will not find relief when they have their first medical trial. Even when it does work, it usually takes a week for there to be a noticeable difference and often six weeks for the full effect to be felt. On average, people have to go through seven attempts before the right combination is found for significant relief, enduring undesirable side-effects, multiple doctor visits, and endurance to keep trying.
Please, don’t make the journey harder by limiting the options with messages of shame. This only compounds their plight and erodes hope. Support yourself, your friends and your family in their efforts to get well. Help them consider all the options and encourage a well-rounded treatment plan that works with them to find relief. Most of all, love them with all you can give. As John Holmes stated, “There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.”
Resources:
http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=705D5DF4-055B-F1EC-3F66462866FCB4E6
http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=232&name=DLFE-157.pdf
Jamison, K. R. (2000) Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. New York, NY: Vintage Books.
Katz, N, and Katz, O (2007) Presentation: Achieving Remission in Depression. Institute for National Resources.
Wegmann, J (2013). Presentation: Psychopharmacology: What you need to Know about Psychiatric Medications. CMI Educational Institute.