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Reflections of An Article On Forgiveness
I recently came across an article about forgiveness and found myself a bit curious about some of the statements. Since it is tempting to believe anything that has the term, “according to scientists”, I thought I would utilize my critical thinking to ensure the accuracy of what is being said. So, if you are up for some good old-fashioned point-counterpoint, here are some reactions to the article found here: http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/03/17-things-we-know-about-forgiveness.html. I do not address all 17 points; just a few that seemed provocative or important.
- The scientific literature on forgiveness only dates back to 1989, amazingly. I have not yet been able to find research prior to this date. If this is true, it is puzzling how science could have overlooked such a potent part of socialization when screwing up is as old as human beings have existed. Could studies have been done under the guise of synonyms like reconciliation, clemency, compassion, mercy, and repentance? Almost every major religion deals with this topic in various ways, noting how it not only creates more peace in the world, but also prevents internal turmoil and separation from the divine. Perhaps it is not found in a scientific journal, but it is certainly found in manuscripts dating back thousands of years.
3. Humans are less likely to forgive public figures than loved ones. There is a reason. Forgiveness requires an understanding of the context that led to the behavior, a heart-felt statement of the offense and its impact, and an implemented plan to avoid it in the future. With public figures, two of the three components are absent. In addition, we know there is a public and private face. We have all learned to be wary of apologies when there are potential gains or agendas that challenge sincerity.
13. Sometimes forgiveness can backfire. The authors mention they saw more aggression in marriages where one person is more forgiving. This is supported by the writings of Townsend and Cloud, where they state that people continue to make bad choices when they don’t experience the discomfort of consequences. If forgiveness is given too soon, the discomfort is removed and the pattern remains. In addition, if the offender is wise, s/he will stop when s/he see the impacts the behavior had on others. However, if s/he is impulsive, self-absorbed, or apathetic, forgiveness will simply cause the offender to see the forgiver as an easy target.
15. The perfect model of forgiveness is a 20-step process. If there is a perfect model, don’t you think religions and philosophies of the world would be shouting this from the highest mountain? I read about the approach mentioned and while it has many solid facets, it is also limited. The reality is that forgiveness will remain out of reach as long as a person remains obsessed with their right to be upset. Instead, they have to be willing to let go, employing patience, compassion, and the obliteration of beliefs that are nothing but myths (ex: struggling can be avoided; I should always be treated with respect; this situation is an assault on my identity; justice is real). After years of looking, I have been delighted to find some guidelines in Buddhist literature that teach people how to do this very important, life changing work. There are visualizations to practice daily, meditations, and profoundly challenging concepts that once applied, have noticeable changes in reactivity and gentleness. Not only do these impact the issue, they promote resiliency for the ups and downs of life. If you’re interested in learning more, these are two of my favorite sources:
Dalai Lama’s Healing Anger: The Power of Patience From A Buddhist Perspective.
Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart.
16. Generally speaking, religious people are more forgiving than nonreligious people. The author cited one study, hardly enough information to make such a pronouncement. We sadly have countless examples of religious people acting with judgement and hatred, whether protesting same sex weddings, making strange correlations like Mike Huckabee stating the president should ignore the courts in favor of his religions assertions, or inciting wars over religious differences. The next article will move away from the focus on religiousness and instead highlight the core characteristics that either make people more willing to injure or least likely to forgive. Meanwhile, an easy but provocative read talks about how people’s view of God directly impacts they way they treat others. The book is, “Good Goats: Healing Our Image of God.” http://www.amazon.com/Good-Goats-Healing-Our-Image/dp/0809134632/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1432610002&sr=8-1&keywords=Good+goats
While the article is basically a string of observations or summaries of random studies, I hope it does not cause us to lose sight of the value forgiveness can be. Forgiveness means we stop trying to punish or seek revenge. As an unknown author stated, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.” Instead, it is noble work that allows us to find life again after being hurt. We can have light hearts while retaining the lessons learned, ensuring accountability for the offender, and determining if it is worth trying again or walking away from the relationship.
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1 Coud, H., & Townsend, J. (1995) Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
2http://www.rawstory.com/2015/05/mike-huckabee-next-president-must-obey-supreme-being-instead-of-supreme-court-on-gay-marriage
How To Help Your Therapist Help You
If you’re wondering what could help your therapy have more momentum, yield greater relief, and provide more transformative results, the following article has my top favorite ideas: http://news360.com/article/291480213. With these tips, you and your therapist can be a powerful team.
Forgiveness
“Forgiveness is a sort of divine absurdity which includes a willing relinquishment of certain rights. This is really a costly sacrifice of something of one’s self and an act of love-giving where there is no logical reason or any guarantee. It is a recognition that one must live with the consequences of the sin.” – Walter Wangerin, Jr.
This is a time of year when the word “forgiveness” is generously used. When suggested, it is often joined with the idea of starting over. read more…
Diving Into Forgiveness
For whatever reason, forgiveness has been a huge topic in my practice as of late. Some people are desperately seeking the relief that comes with this unique form of closure; others cringe at the mere thought of the idea. Wanting to help anyone considering forgiveness to find success, I am going to dedicate a few articles to this noble topic. Here is a general outline:
- The article I have previously written on the topic to ensure we have shared understanding.
- An article I found on Forgiveness had many curious conclusions. Since it is tempting to believe anything that has the term, “according to scientists”, I thought I would utilize all three of my critical thinking skills to ensure the accuracy of what is being said. So, if you are up for some good old-fashioned point-counterpoint, let’s dig in.
- Explore the ways our mind and beliefs often get us into trouble, leading to harm and making forgiveness necessary in the first place. These highlight common forms of cruelty that can occur in even mundane interactions, while providing warnings signs so we stop these common tendencies
- Finally, key elements to the journey of forgiveness are provided. Depending upon the depth of the topic, these may be broken up into separate articles.
If you are ready for this pursuit, you are welcome to share reflections or email me directly about questions/concerns/feedback along the way!
The Quest for Self Esteem: Healthy Supporters
Hopefully previous articles have clarified that core beliefs about esteem are very stable but are also not set in stone. To be able to make changes, a lot of intention will be required, where every day you are practicing new habits that challenge self-deprecation and reinforce that you are a valuable human being. Laughter, fun, interesting challenges, friendships, a loving pet, etc. all make a difference. Every effort leads toward a masterpiece of self-esteem.
Let’s continue now by looking at the people you hang around with. This can be both exciting and unnerving because it means taking an honest look at the kind of company you keep and the situations you find yourself in. People can do amazing things wherever they are, but it’s much easier to succeed where you are encouraged instead of resisted or sabotaged. Von Goethe explains, “If you treat an individual as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.” With that in mind, let’s build a healthy support system!
What quality of friends you would like to have in your life? Be careful- people with low self-esteem frequently choose those of poor quality because they believe it is all they deserve. If you are prone to such a tendency, ask yourself what kind of support you would want for someone you love, and then gift yourself those same guidelines. Now I’m not saying that every single person you meet has to win a friendship award but there are some qualities that are important. I can’t tell you what those will be since you will have your own value systems, needs, cultural norms, etc. What I can offer are a few qualities I have found invaluable:
- Emotional safety- you cannot be vulnerable or take risks when there is someone anxiously waiting to point out flaws and criticize. According to Brene Brown, these responses are nothing more than weapons that not only keep vulnerability at a distance and harm the other person when most exposed. (Daring Greatly, p. 167)
- Loyalty- when things get tough between you, there is no threat of bailing at the first sign of trouble. Conflict is inevitable when two different, genuine people try to connect. Instead of constantly worrying that abandonment is just one argument away, you have faith that the two of you can work through the bumps in the road.
- Maintains confidences (unless there is a safety concern).
- Find a cheerleader who celebrates successes and encourages you to keep trying when the road is challenging. There is no expectation of perfection; only warmth and understanding when you fall down. For those that bring you down, don’t waste any more energy on them. As Brene also said on p. 171, “You’re not the jackass whisperer!”
- Sharing is reciprocal. It doesn’t feel good to always be the listener, nor does is it fun to be the only vulnerable one in the room. Sharing will make you both feel like you have something to offer each other. At the same time, there are not efforts to kidnap the conversation and take the spotlight. “You think you had a bad day; listen to this!” I have seen more opportunities to connect ruined with “now me!” Instead, this friend knows when to just be in the thick of it with you, and when an anecdote will help you feel less alone.
- There is openness. S/he asks questions, explores the importance in your perspective, and considers what is valid about it rather than trying to poke holes in it. The people who are best at this are the ones who have a healthy sense of self and realize that there are no Truths; just viewpoints. What is good for one may not be good for another, so dialogue can help find gems of commonality.
- There is willingness to be honest but gentle. A religious sage once said that honesty without kindness is cruelty. I couldn’t agree more!
Friends have major influence over your self-esteem, either cutting you down or building you up. Special care must be taken to sift out the former and ensure quality in the relationships you choose. Hopefully the ideas above get you thinking about a criteria that will help you find keepers! Be patient, because you have to first believe that this is a pursuit that you are worthy of. Then there must be time to develop steps to find what you want instead of what you are settling for. Most of all, people who fit your version of what is valuable and meaningful will take time. They are rare treasures that are not easily found or replaced but are worth every bit of effort.
“As we grow up, we realize it is less important to have lots of friends, and more important to have real ones.” – Anonymous
Avoiding the “Bah- Hum Bugs!”
Just in case all this holiday cheer is leaving you with a desire to bite in-laws, here are a few quick tips from the good folks at Psych Center: http://news360.com/article/271069990
Meanwhile, these song lyrics seemed to truly capture the hope that I hold for you all this Holiday season. May you be filled with warmth of gratitude, joy of loved ones, and blessings of love.
I don’t care if the house is packed
Or the strings of lights are broken
I don’t care if the gifts are wrapped
Or there’s nothing here to open
Love is not a toy
And no paper will conceal it.
Love is simply joy
That I’m home.
I don’t care if the carpet’s stained
We’ve got food upon our table
I don’t care if it’s gonna rain
Our little room is warm and stable
Love is who we are
And no season can contain
Love would never fall for that.
Let love lead us,
Love is Christmas
Why so scared that you’ll mess it up
When perfection keeps you haunted.
All we need is your best, my love
That’s all I ever wanted.
Love is how we do
Let no judgment overrule it
Love I look to you and I sing
Let love lead us,
Love is Christmas
– Sara Bareilles-
The Quest for Self-Esteem: Listening
We would be remiss to work on radical acceptance without touching on a major way we can value ourselves. As of yet, I have not encountered a person struggling with low self-esteem who has not been working diligently to deny or minimize their experience. Most of us have been taught to listen to others, but not ourselves. Instead, we are barraged with thoughts that are cruel and dismissive. Imagine saying this to a person you love: “Stop whining.” “Get over it.” “You’re being so weak.” My heart breaks when I think of the hurt and anguish that would come from such an interaction. When the heart is most open, all that comes back is a judgment and the lesson that honest vulnerability is not safe or even wanted. If such an exchange could have such a powerful message about the other person’s worth, imagine the internal mess that surfaces when those are the messages we give ourselves. Who will listen if you won’t? How can one feel loved or important when there are constant forms of being shut down?
The fact is emotions are invaluable! They give us clues about ourselves in so many ways. They provide information, letting us know what actions to take that will ensure needs and wants get addressed. They let us know what is important to us. Like lights on the dashboard, emotions indicate when something should be paid attention to. The emotional world is also home to intuition, the wisdom that surfaces even when rational data is inadequate. Put together, these components create a sense of self and can even be a driving force behind purpose and meaning.
It’s time to begin tenderly listen. Taking time to honor our internal world is a radical message to ourselves that we are important and have a valuable voice. This act alone can be an amazing way to undo aversive messages of a lifetime. We may have thought we were in some ways protecting ourselves by closing our hearts. Now, for the sake of self-love, we are taking a stand and refusing to shut ourselves out.
Tuning In
This may be new, so I’d like to introduce you to some ways to come in touch with emotions. Sometimes the feelings will be obvious, but when they are jumbled or subtle, shift focus from your head to your body. Feelings tend to be held in the body.
Relax
- Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What is my main problem/concern right now?”
- Tune into that place in your body where you feel emotional sensations/energy.
- Wait and listen. Provide yourself with enough time to sense feelings/moods.
- Identify the Exact Feeling- if it is unclear, start with the basics (mad, sad, glad, afraid, guilt, or shame)
- Take one emotion at a time. Ask yourself what the feeling is trying to tell you about your needs/wants.