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The Evolution of Our Inner Critic
The New York Times recently posted a fascinating article on how our evolution predisposes us to emphasize negative experiences more than the positives.
https://nytimes.com/2018/05/22/smarter-living/why-you-should-stop-being-so-hard-on-yourself.html
A few examples are provided as to how the critic works but I would like to include other common tools that contribute to the attack on our self-esteem:
- Comparisons- we dwell on the negative in ourselves and magnify the positives in others. Facebook is a particularly effective tool for this because we usually only see the fun things people experience rather than there private struggles.
- Personalization- believing we are responsible for external events. “He has a scowl on his face- it must be because he is angry with me.”
- Should statements- we think we can motivate ourselves through guilt. This usually involves high expectations and nothing short of complete success is acceptable. There is rarely consideration of impacting factors or whether or not the expectations were realistic in the first place.
- Labeling- instead of describing the specifics of a situation, a global statement is made about our entire worth. These judgments are highly loaded and rarely fair.
The article offers some suggestions on how to develop more compassion for ourselves so we remember that humans are imperfect. These are wonderful strategies but often hard to know how to put into place. A client sent me an app that with the intention to focus on meditative practices. While I’m cautious about endorsing apps, the program seems in line with what is being recommended. If you would like to look into this further, check out: http://insig.ht/course_coming-home-to-yourself
In my work with clients, I do not dismiss any parts of who we are, including the inner critic. Instead, I work to understand where it comes from, who introduced these messages and even how it tries to be helpful. This may sound like a strange approach- most people think an exorcism would be called for. In reality, most critics exist because they provide a service. Sometimes it recreates the environments that have been all too familiar. Other critics try to protect more vulnerable parts of ourselves that have gotten hurt in one way or the other. Using messages of shame, the critic works to avoid the situations that have led to pain and embarrassment. So before we discount this internal part of ourselves outright, listen to what it is trying to do so healthier alternatives can be found. Should this approach resonate with you, contact me so we can work together to find a way to help soften the critic while bolstering the kindness we all badly need.
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Goiran, A. F. (1996). Reversing student frustration, anger and self-rejection. Unpublished manuscript.
Schiraldi, G. R. (2001). The self-esteem workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc. (p. 40-42)
Big “T” and Little “t” Traumas
I was seven years old, sitting on top of the monkey bars and starring down at my shoes. My pony tail was in knots after spending recesses pretending the gravel was hot lava and jumping around on the jungle gym until our flying horses cold swoop down and take us to safety. But all that was erased once I heard my best friend, Jamie, was moving. As she chatted away about all the exciting adventures that were sure to come, I could hardly hear her. I was heartbroken. It was bad enough that I would no longer have someone to sit with at lunch or have sleep overs with cardboard forts and pancakes, nor would there would be anyone to make friendship pins with that we could swap between classes. What was becoming a deeper pain was the pattern. This was the fourth year in a row my best friend moved away. I never envied those who had to move and start all over. However, no one realized that by living in the same house growing up I was always the one left behind.
No one was at fault nor was this done to hurt me but it was still taking a toll. Over time, an anxiety began to take hold that made it harder and harder to open up to my peers. I learned through experience that it was just a matter of time before someone would leave me. While I still tried to put myself out there, I was always braced for that dreaded conversation that would mean it was over. What I now know is that these accumulative experiences were not just painful, they were traumatic.
Trauma is a term that identifies the very real impacts that occur when someone is exposed to something disturbing and painful. Most people are familiar with “Big T” traumas because they are extreme. Examples include car accidents, abuse, violence, serious injury or the threat of death. The fact that someone would struggle after such an event is often easy for people to understand. But there are other, more subtle traumas. They are often labeled as temporary bumps in the road or simply unrecognized. Referred to as “small t” traumas, it can be a one-time event or something so frequent it feels commonplace. Like the “big T” traumas, these experiences assault your sense of self, change how safe the world feels, and compromise your ability to connect with others.
Here are some examples:
- A parent who makes promises but repeatedly fails to follow through
- A teacher who points out to the entire class how the student made a mistake and should have known better
- Bullying, an umbrella euphemism for harassment, assault, and slander
- Frequent shaming (you’re stupid, a mistake, worthless….)
- Being ostracized
- Repeated rejections (like those that occur during job hunting)
- Poverty
- Cancer
- Losing one’s support system
- Having to hide who you are
- Disclosing something vulnerable only to have it ignored, minimized, or used as ammunition at a later time
Not everyone experiences these as traumatic but plenty of people do. It is not because there is a lack of some superpower nor a sign of weakness. Instead, there are a myriad of factors that determine the type and intensity of the impact. For example, the developmental age at the time, the amount of coping strategies available, the level of validation and support, the amount of previous trauma, and the level of vulnerability, all make a difference in how the trauma is taken in. Other factors include whether or not the harm was done on purpose or who the players were. Whatever the impact, it is never someone’s fault they are afflicted with pain; it is the burden they bear.
Just like “big T” traumas, “small t” traumas’ effects can ooze into all areas of life. The most common impact is the development of deeply embedded forms of protection. Perhaps these sound familiar: minimizing emotions or blending into the wallpaper so it is harder to be singled out and humiliated. Perhaps someone becomes very private or isolated to limit vulnerability. Others develop a very distinct public persona so no one knows just how wounded and tender they feel. These understandable measures can change the ability to take risks, to understand feelings and how to respond in healthy ways, and the willingness to be open to a partner or friend.
Small “t” traumas may not be easy to recognize but that does not mean it is hopeless. Should this description help you understand something you are experiencing, help is available. There are ways to address these experiences and their detriments. Something painful happened to you, but it does not have to define who you are or determine the quality of your life.
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/assessment/trauma-symptom-checklist.asp
https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/ttb_aces_consequences.pdf
Just Breathe
Of all the tools I use to help clients, nothing beats “belly breathing”. Over and over again, I have seen someone highly upset or feeling out of control, enjoy some relief by taking few minutes to slow down and fully fill their lungs. The impact can even be felt in the body; muscles relax, blood pressure lowers, heart rate slows, and a calming sensation occurs as natural dopamine is released. No longer shut down or in fight-or-flight mode, the world looks manageable because we have become centered from within.
Most people do not realize that no matter how hard we try, these benefits are not possible just through telling ourselves to calm down or think positively (Anyone who utters these words needs a time out- these phrases are never helpful!). When upset, we feel threatened in some way and our entire body is “on” to make sure we are safe. Anything thoughts outside of how to survive simply go out the window. Our emotional brain, not our logic has taken over. Therefore, our ability to understand contextual factors, see grey areas, or even short term memory are offline.
To enjoy the full benefits of breath, there are a three key components to remember. First, we have to slow down. It is common for many to either breathe rapidly or barely show movement in the body. Oxygen is in short supply and means the body is working on the bare minimum to function. We’ve got to slow down. The recommended frequency is using four counts on the inhale, and at least six counts on the exhale. The most important emphasis is on the latter because it provides a sense of energetic release and neurophysiological calming.
Next, it is imperative to fully fill the lungs. Most people breathe shallowly, with the top part of the chest, shoulders and arms moving upwards. We want the lungs so full they push all our guts into the belly area. If you wonder what this looks like, watch someone (with their permission), or a pet, while they sleep. The chest moves some, but the majority of movement is in the belly.
Finally, practice, practice, practice. The more we get use to this new way of taking care of our body, the more we build a habit that we can fall back on in times of struggle. Here are just a few examples of when this wonderful tool can do a world of good:
- Before walking into your home after work, take two minutes to reset. The day can be left behind, and you work to be fully present once you walk in the door.
- Just as your head hits the pillow, take a few moments for belly breathing. This can signify to the body that it is now time to put the “to do” list aside for the body to relax and recharge.
- At a stop light.
- On a walk where the full scents of nature can take hold.
- Once a conversation has gone from sharing perspectives to a confrontation. Voices are rising, no one is listening, and the need for ice cream or potato chips has suddenly spiked. It’s time to breath.
Delightfully, you do need to carry something around or buy expensive books. Your breath is with you all the time. The only thing you need is to remember it’s there and will help. Enjoy the chance to take a pause, mentally regroup, slow the pace, improve listening, and allow your most skilled self a chance to shine.
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Resources
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/yoga-for-anxiety-and-depression
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/9445-diaphragmatic-breathing
https://livingthenourishedlife.com/5-ways-youll-benefit-from-daily-deep/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuraptitude/201602/the-science-slow-deep-breathing
Inspiring Story of Kim Noble
It is easy to become discouraged when weighed down with issues and mental health challenges. To counteract despair or discouragement, it is important to seek out stories that offer different perspectives, hope, and resiliency. The following was something I came across that took my breath away. A woman with multiple personalities found a way for twelve of her twenty internal people to have a voice. There is incredible self-awareness and compassion for an experience that is relatively rare and misunderstood. Here is a link to her short documentary:
Finding the Right Therapist
Finding the right therapist might seem a little daunting. Although there is a whole process to finding who is available and what kind of provider fits your needs, the focus of this article is to provide some game plan when you take that first step into someone’s office. Once you’re face to face, both parties have the chance to determine if there is enough experience to know how to address your needs, compatibility, and shared excitement about the prospect of working together.
So please take the time to understand your needs and what will help you be as comfortable as possible. For starters, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of first impressions. If this seems like an engaging, empathetic, genuine person- wonderful! If this person rubs you wrong- trust that too! I would hate for you to invest the time, money, and emotional tenderness only to learn that something fundamental is in the way. Once you have made the connection and decided to work together, see this as a commitment. Not that you should pick out towels or anything, but you cannot work through issues if your first response to discomfort or conflict is to cancel therapy. Not only are therapists human (I know, it’s hard to believe we make mistakes), there is a high probability that the very things that might upset you are linked to what needs addressing. If the relationship is strong, these things can be worked through. It may even result in new insights and understandings.
These are character traits that are of utmost importance. The therapist:
- Trusts you that something is important and never minimizes your experience
- Doesn’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do
- Encourages you to build a support system outside of therapy
- Is willing to discuss problems that occur in the therapeutic relationship and takes ownership for any mistakes or contributions to a misunderstanding
- Is open and accepting of all the feelings that are present (including rage, grief, and despair)
- Engenders healthy boundaries
- Treats you with respect
- Sets a pace that is manageable
In addition to their emotional skills and personality, consider what kind of approach is taken. Feel free to ask questions about their theoretical orientation, attitudes, experience, and style.
Questions might include:
- Does the therapist have experience dealing with the issues you want to work on?
- Can the therapist accommodate specific requests in their approach?
- What is the therapist’s training?
- How does the therapist hope to approach the issues? Does this make sense and do you feel your perspective has been considered?
Some therapists borrow from many schools of thought to tailor fit the treatment plan. Other therapists have chosen to be immersed in a particular approach because they have found it to be effective and complimentary to their style. There is no right or wrong here so asking about these factors will let you know what sounds like an adventure worth going on.
If you have these factors in mind, you will have lots to talk through and observe. Once there is enough data, you will have the ability to make an informed decision and find the perfect person who can become your ally. And of course, if you would like to see if I might be a good fit for you, don’t hesitate to call at 303.915-5597 or email mail me at tania@sbscounseling.com
My Journal Entry: Silence Speaks
Topic: what would silence say if it could speak to you
I have always been…. before ‘God spoke’ or space began to fill. I am absolute. I live between the atoms and the sound waves. I am larger than anything that has ever been or ever will be. Contained within me is not something- but nothing. I am. No words, no images, no meanings and no pressures. I just am.
Stop trying to use me beyond what I am. Let me be. Let us be. Remove the projected requirements of what I am supposed to do. Time does not matter. Matter does not matter. I am here- if you dare find me.
Question: Why do we need you to be something?
Answer: That is not for me to answer.
Question: Why are you scary?
Answer: That is not me. Something has been pretending to be me.
Question: Why are you sacred?
Answer: That is not me. Something about you is being projected onto me. Do not seek me with need. Do not seek me with senses. Stop trying. I’m already there.
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It is not uncommon for a client to be asked to journal as a way to further process what is emerging in and out of session. For many years, I believed that this method of exploration was personally unnecessary because of how much time I spent reflecting in my head. I’ve learned all too well that this is not nearly as effective as putting pen to paper. Reading the words changes the experience. We have a chance to pour out our hearts and then later reflect on what was written from a more objective place (a key component of mindfulness and the ability to act from a centered place). All kinds of juicy information can also emerge, like patterns in our thinking, information gaps/assumptions, and unnoticed places our own wisdom speaks. In this case, it served as a vehicle for rich conversations.
I recently joined a writing group and we were asked to delve into our relationship with silence. While my first entries were familiar responses, there was a point when I tapped into a voice I didn’t know was within me. I shared what I wrote with other participants and the unanimous response was that I needed to provide a platform where it could be heard by more people. That is the reason for the above entry. I have no explanation. I don’t even know if it is grammatically correct. That is the beauty of a journal entry. However, if you find this to be thought provoking, feel welcome to consider what this brings up for you and how this might enable greater self-understanding or insight.
Anxiety versus Panic
It is not uncommon for people struggling with anxiety to misunderstand the differences between their intense feelings and panic attacks. The following article does a fantastic job clarifying the difference between these two experiences and the reasons behind them. http://www.healthyway.com/content/panic-attack-symptoms-to-keep-in-mind-even-if-you-havent-been-diagnosed-with-anxiety/
For those with panic disorder, or even times of acute distress, I have found that a few strategies can make all the difference in the world. It provides a sense of control as the body restores chemical balance from the adrenaline rush. In addition, it shortens the amount of time suffering from these upsetting events because the mind is kept from feeding the fear further.
First, learn about the 10 symptoms of panic so you can differentiate between an attack and some other physical condition. At least two of the symptoms are due to wrongly assuming that what is happening is life threatening, exacerbating what is already underway. Accurate labeling can help you remember that the distress will pass relatively soon. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/8872.php
Work against the tendency to make meaning around the symptoms, only adding to the suffering. Our brains love to find an external reason the panic is happening. However, as the article notes, many times it comes out of the blue. Therefore, let go of the need to know ‘why’ and focus instead on how to get through the moment. Find a mantra that can speak directly to the thought running rampant in your mind. Examples:
“This will pass” instead of “I’m dying.”
“I’m o.k.” versus “I’m going crazy.”
“Breathe” instead of “Shit!!!!!”
Finally, focus on the moment. Panic and anxiety love dwelling on the past or future. “I can’t believe I did that. I’ve screwed up everything!” Or “what if…… then something horrible will happen.” The reality is that during an attack, your brain is unable to process information in any meaningful way. Instead, the thoughts repeat over and ever again like Escher’s drawing of a staircase. Nothing new is added, no solutions are found, and the only outcome is physical and emotional exhaustion. No wonder people feel trapped! In the instances when you think you have the solution, do not be fooled. Panic ignores the frontal lobe where reason, problem solving, short term memory, and abstract thinking occur. Therefore, any answers will be black and white, lacking context, and unable to see larger ramifications. Needless to say, decisions will be not be well informed or even realistic. My advice? Stop trying. Wait until the intensity passes and only then consider what might be important to process.
Although this is an incredibly uncomfortable and upsetting experience, it can be dealt with. This is an area I have specialized in for years and I am proud to say that the ability to eradicate this problem is possible. A medical doctor should be consulted about options available to settle down the nervous system while a therapist can provide further skills and address any underlying emotional causes. Whatever your experience might be, know that this is not something you must just endure, nor something you have to face alone.