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Apologies That Help Heal
Yes, it’s another article on forgiveness, but this time, the message is intended for those who have been wronged. I have seen so many people struggle to move on after an incident, feeling guilty that they have some kind of character flaw that keeps them stuck. Yet, in so many cases, the real problem is that the apology they received (if any) was missing something important. On some level, our intuition knows this. Sometimes I hear people hint about how the apologizer seemed flippant, tried to minimize, or the apology seemed hollow. Other times, it might feel like a form of manipulation to pacify the person or to just “get it over with.” Such instances never allow the opportunity to uncover or confront the cause(s) of the problem. If this hits a chord, the following might help you identify what you still need for resolution and freedom from this heavy emotional burden.
Step 1
When a person is truly ready to repent, the focus should be on you and what you need to heal rather than some defensive response. They may mention details about what happened to justify their behavior. While contributing factors have a place, it cannot be an excuse. Keep an eye out for humility, when they are brave enough to swallow pride and acknowledge that their actions caused pain. This should include details about what specifically was out of line which is the first part of the process to avoid such issues in the future (see step 2).
Next, they should be able to speak to the way(s) this has impacted you. Sometimes the impacts are “simply” emotional- betrayal, disappointment, hurt, or broken trust. Other times, it changes who you are in a significant way like a negative sense of self-worth, harmful coping strategies, or a need to keep others out in an effort to avoid vulnerability being used as a weapon in the future, to name a few. The larger the infraction, the larger the impact. Can they name them? Can they show you sadness that this is what you have had to endure? This suggests that they feel regret and have tapped into empathy. These are the core components of a conscience that has been pricked.
Step 2
An apology means nothing if it is only words. They should come to the table with a rough idea of what steps are needed to prevent this from happening again. Hopefully, in the process, they seek input from you to ensure that all your concerns are addressed in some way. It may not be a perfect plan but it should show good faith that they are willing to make real and lasting change.
Step 3
Finally, there has to be enough time for the plan to be put into action. It cannot be a onetime thing. There has to be repeated evidence that enough has changed for the foundation of trust to be rebuilt. There is no magic equation for how long this takes. It will be dependent upon the size of the infraction, how many times it has happened before, the degree of investment in the change, or if there is a long history of temporary change but then a tendency to fall back into old habits. Look for the efforts being made and the small or big ways change is taking hold.
As for your part, keep a check on your hurt. There is a point when this probationary period makes sense. However, sometimes we can get drunk on retribution and hold it over the other’s head for months to years. To be blunt, it’s not fair. Even felons have a limit to their sentence. If the rift causes damage beyond repair or if the pain remains stable over time, it may be time to move on. Neither of you deserve to be miserable or constantly on edge. If your heart begins to open again and the relationship can be repaired, there is hope it can lead to a new chapter instead of becoming an endless cycle of punishment and resentment.
Relationships between two imperfect people will never be without hurdles. Yet we are often unsure about the steps to take that mend rifts and allow us to reconnect and heal. For parties willing to invest in facing issues head on, it is possible to do work that makes us wiser, better people. With these steps, I hope you will be armed with the hope and knowledge to make it happen. If you find that you remain in limbo, call me and we can see what more you need to move forward.
Reinacting Trauma
The following is a wonderful summary of a common experience among trauma survivors. The author, Bessel Vander Kolk, is a highly respected authority on trauma, known for his research and application of treatment modalities. As I have already heard from several individuals, this has made sense of some choices/behaviors that before were confusing.
The compulsion to repeat the trauma. Re-enactment, revictimization, and masochism.
Trauma can be repeated on behavioral, emotional, physiologic, and neuroendocrinologic levels. Repetition on these different levels causes a large variety of individual and social suffering. Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. People need a “safe base” for normal social and biologic development. Traumatization occurs when both internal and external resources are inadequate to cope with external threat. Uncontrollable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of external danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Assaults lead to hyperarousal states for which the memory can be state-dependent or dissociated, and this memory only returns fully during renewed terror. This interferes with good judgment about these relationships and allows longing for attachment to overcome realistic fears. All primates subjected to early abuse and deprivation are vulnerable to engage in violent relationships with peers as adults. Males tend to be hyperaggressive, and females fail to protect themselves and their offspring against danger. Chronic physiologic hyperarousal persists, particularly to stimuli reminiscent of the trauma. Later stresses tend to be experienced as somatic states, rather than as specific events that require specific means of coping. Thus, victims of trauma may respond to contemporary stimuli as a return of the trauma, without conscious awareness that past injury rather than current stress is the basis of their physiologic emergency responses. Hyperarousal interferes with the ability to make rational assessments and prevents resolution and integration of the trauma. Disturbances in the catecholamine, serotonin, and endogenous opioid systems have been implicated in this persistence of all-or-none responses. People who have been exposed to highly stressful stimuli develop long-term potentiation of memory tracts that are reactivated at times of subsequent arousal. This activation explains how current stress is experienced as a return of the trauma; it causes a return to earlier behavior patterns. Ordinarily, people will choose the most pleasant of two alternatives. High arousal causes people to engage in familiar behavior, regardless of the rewards. As novel stimuli are anxiety provoking, under stress, previously traumatized people tend return to familiar patterns, even if they cause pain.(ABSTRACT TRUNCATED AT 400 WORDS).
Finding Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a hot topic because so many times it has been used as pressure to move on. “It’s in the past- let it go.” I have chosen to dedicate the next few articles to this endeavor, not as a voice stating it as a requirement, but rather, to highlight just how challenging it can be and the steps involved. This entry will be about the person who has been wronged. The next few articles will offer information about what is required to hopefully be able to mend the rift we caused in a relationship. Please feel free to write comments that can help inform me about questions or reactions that you might have to these reflections.
For Those Who Want to Stop Living With the Heaviness of Being Hurt
It is so tempting to believe that there is some magic switch that will turn off pain and allow us to move forward. Not only is this far from any reality I’ve seen in over 20 years working with trauma, it also denies the potential growth and wisdom we can gain by going through the process of letting go. We cannot go back to who we were before the incident happened. To quote Anne Lammott, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.” But it also does not mean that we have to feel wounded for the rest of our lives. We are more than what happens to us and we retain the power to find peace of mind.
I have borrowed from all kinds of sources- personal experience, religious leaders, colleagues, and the generous vulnerability and openness of clients who dared to take this path, to come up with the following steps:
Step 1: Remember. Many people do not want to dwell on what happened because it is painful and uncomfortable. However, unless there is willingness to spend some time making sense of the experience, we remain blind to the harmful impacts that can continue long after the memory. We must dive in, taking an honest look at all the facets and context we could not have processed while in the eye of the storm. There are contributing factors, lies we swallowed, reasons behind our reactions, ways dignity was broken down, and meanings we adopted about ourselves and the world. Robert Schreiter states, “Suffering only becomes redemptive or ennobling when we struggle against these corroding powers and rebuild ourselves in spite of the pain we are experiencing.” p. 33-34.
Step 2: Identify the harm. Determine the ways the experience was detrimental either permanently or for the time being. Grief will be an intimate part of this process, because it acknowledges that some things can never be regained. A victim cannot will themselves to be without scars nor can innocence be restored. There might also be specific periods of times where opportunities passed us by. Or perhaps there have been important segments of life that were deleted (example: lost childhood, independence, or life skills)
Step 3: Find the silver linings. In many cases, we come out of struggle with greater understanding. There will be new information about yourself and those who are closest to you. Perhaps you saw some values that you had not noticed before or there may be strengths that had been dormant until then. How were you able to grow in spite/because of what happened? By exploring these factors, the situation is not just a tragedy- you found a way to empower yourself through it.
Step 4: Identify the lessons. Consider what information needs to be implemented for you to feel as safe and happy as possible. For example, what has this taught you about skills you need, information gaps, etc. Perhaps there are missing boundaries, or new appreciation for your intuition. Maybe there is difficulty seeing warning signs or being able to determine trustworthiness. The goal here is to determine how we can wisely interact with others in a way that provides protection from those who may harm but also does not keep us from taking risks and connecting.
Step 5: Implement. Insights serve little purpose if they do not turn into action. Take classes, talk to people you respect, do research, and gain confidence to take risks. During this time, it is important to remember that there will be a learning curve; you cannot be an expert without lots of opportunity to fall down. Be kind and remind yourself that every time you try, no matter the result, is a success.
I find it very helpful to touch base with your value system for the next steps. There is such a strong pull to be righteously angry that there have to be compelling reasons for doing something different. For me, I try to keep in mind that I want to live a life that allows me to enjoy the moment without a lot of baggage weighing me down. If I’ve done the work above, I’ve taken everything valuable I can from the experience. Further review only keeps me upset and stuck, not centered and healthy.
Step 6: Let go. Make a commitment to releasing the past. Intentionally engage in visuals and activities that suggest closure. For example- write a brief summary of what happened. Then create a ritual similar to a burial, where you burn the paper and say a prayer/poem about the life you are ready to embrace. You may also consider putting all the pain and hurt symbolically onto a leaf. Breathe the distress onto the leaf, then release it into a stream. Watch as the leaf floats away, allowing you to breathe in the smell of nature, life, and peace that is left behind. The Dali Llama encourages visualizing the distress of the incident then a positive state. Note how each one feels and ask which you would rather have in your life. There is then a promise made to yourself: “Whatever befalls me, I shall not allow it to disturb my mental joy.
Step 7: Focus on the present. The past is over. Bring yourself back into the present, hopefully with delightful enticements. Enjoy little things, play, work, make love, get dirty, feel, and make new memories. If old thoughts and images return, acknowledge it happened and gently resume focus on the here and now. If that is ineffective, deliberately distract yourself. Over time, the pull of the incident will lesson because mental, emotional and energetic resources are no longer feeding it.
Step 8: Feel compassion. Finally, cease to see the person who harmed you in a depersonalized way. He or she is a flawed human being, like the rest of us. Since you are not responsible for making them change, you can release them from your grasp (and therefore any hold s/he had over you). This does not mean condoning what they did- it is ceasing to be saddled with resentment. Wish them the same happiness you hold for any living being and let a sense of compassion grow in your heart.
As you go through the various stages, please remember that each journey is unique. Some steps will take little time while others may be tool you use from this point forward. As long as you continue to maintain dedicated effort, things will change. In the end, you will have given yourself a great gift- peace.
References:
- Blair, C. (Found 9/1/15) The Practice of Forgiveness. Found at: http://newchurch.org/get-answers/connection-magazine/forgiveness/the-practice-of-forgiveness/?gclid=CjwKEAjw1MSvBRDj2IyP-o7PygsSJAC_6zodKEs8IyzRdO5bYdE3C85X9otkr6Z-Gjf5saq7TUi5thoC2JXw_wcB
- Chodoron, P. (2002) The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times. Boston, MA: Shambhala.
- Dalai Lama (1997) Healing Anger: The Power of Patience From a Buddhist Perspective. Ithaca, NY: Snow Lion Publications.
Just Show Up
It’s been a hard couple of weeks talking with multiple people dealing with painful hardships that have no answers or perceived end in sight. The situation is bad enough in and of itself, but adding a lack of information makes it unbearable. For example, an undiagnosed medical concern or perhaps an unstable loved one who has not responded for days. Maybe there is a long-buried memory starting to surface but details remain out of reach. There is no way to plan, no action to take, and therefore, no sense of control. All there is to do is wait and endure.
It is in these moments that supportive people play a vital role. The problem is that so few people know how to do it well. As I observed my own reactions in several situations and the impulses I had to squelch, I began to sense why this is so hard and how easy it would be to put my foot in my mouth leaving the hurting person feeling misunderstood and alone. So what are some of the key components of being trustworthy and supportive enough to have the privilege of being part of someone’s journey? How do we show up well so we are helpful instead of making things worse?
- The most important job is to manage our own emotions so we can keep the focus on the person in pain. It requires us to tolerate an aching heart as we watch another human being suffer. While we can engage, share about things happening in our lives so the relationship does not become solely about struggle, our reactions to the situation can add more to what the other is already dealing with. . Find someone else to talk to while being mindful about maintaining confidences and privacy.
- Accept that there is nothing you can do to make the situation change. It just sucks. Every time you want to offer advice, share an anecdote, or try to distract, take a deep breath instead and resist the temptation to try to fix things.
- Exercise every ounce of patience. Limbo is riddled with worry and it will take a toll. Even the most skilled person will be living with a heavy cloak of dread that can only be managed, not eliminated. This person you care about might become surly, reactive, or down. Try not to take it personally; it’s the situation, not you.
- Let their feelings have room to be expressed. Hand out tissues, get fluffy socks, see the truth in their perspective, and validate. I can’t say enough about the therapeutic impact of being heard. It is a rare gift to not have to measure words but pour them out, knowing that the caring ear is strong enough to handle whatever comes to the surface.
- Stay the course. Suspend expectations of what the journey should look like or how long it will take to deal with it. Pain is already isolating. Choosing to hang in there is an unmeasurable gift that will have long reaching impacts you can’t even imagine. One client said to me, “If it weren’t for her, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”
There are very few times in our lives when we will be called to be our best selves and this is one of them. We will be tested, tempted to take the easy road of verbal pats on the head that feel nothing more than patronizing. But if we can choose to be more: more understanding, more patient, and as self-less as possible, we become one of the lights that gets our loved one through dark times.
Sometimes Communication is Knowing When Not to Talk
I don’t think it is any great mystery that a major factor in a healthy relationship is good communication. What is not typically emphasized is that what we don’t say can be just as important as what comes out of our mouths. A messy, escalated conversation where we have a verbal vomit is the equivalent of being a bulldozer. At best, the other person has to sift through the delivery to find the core message without becoming escalated in the process (very rare). Other times, words may be spoken that can never be taken back, including “we’re done!”
If we want to truly be heard and talk through issues, we have to be in a frame of mind that allows us to show up as the best self we can be for this tough conversation. You say more about your values not when it is easy, but when it is hard. We must avoid being drunk on indignation and instead step back to plan a clear, respectful approach. An old wisdom states, “Failing to plan is planning to fail.”
The first step in this effort, is to identify if we are escalated. This is the time we are going to be the most irrational, closed off, and hostile. This greatly compromises our ability to be kind let alone skillful. Usually we just want to run away, shut down, or put the other person in a choke hold.
Here are some warning signs that you are compromised:
Physical Changes
Shaking, rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, and high levels of tension are absolute signs that we are no longer in a place to talk. In my case, this level of upset is when I start snorting and look a lot like a bull about to charge. I imagine it is hilarious to an onlooker, but for the other party, it is a horrifying moment of being hunted by someone insane. From a cognitive standpoint, they’re not wrong. In such a state, our brains are all about protection. Now in fight or flight, abstract thinking, problem solving, and even short term memory are turned off because they only distract from what it will take to survive. Any information that is benign does not even register. Details that make up the context of a situation are dismissed, removing any chance for balanced perspective.
In addition, the person who prompted strong feelings has become an enemy. Labeled as dangerous, our solutions become extreme. Sometimes a person will threaten to end the entire relationship because there is no ability to see any other way through the struggle. Other times, actions will be taken to hurt the other person. As I mentioned in a previous article on hurt that justifies harm, empathy is gone. This is a dangerous time because it is possible to be cruel without even twinges of guilt
“This can’t wait!!!!”
The need to address the situation immediately, whether the other person is in a state of mind to engage, is a recipe for trouble. It has good intentions, wanting to alleviate the fear, hurt or anger causing the relationship rift, however, pressure leads to pursuit, pursuit leads to feeling trapped, and feeling trapped leads to panic. I have yet to see anyone respond with wisdom in such times.
“How dare he!”
This reeks of righteous indignation, a belief that we have sole ownership of the truth. The approach is that of a lawyer, engaging in a debate with the intention to win. As a wise colleague once told me, “You can either be right or you can have a relationship.” There may be times one or both parties are wrong. There may be times we are being given an opportunity to grown with a good dose of humility. But it won’t happen if it means enduring humiliation or being talked down to. In those instances, we will come out with guns a ’blazing.
To avoid all of these pitfalls, the solution is deceptively easy. Don’t engage. Focus instead on how to remove yourself from the situation, release the pent up energy in safe ways and get clear about what is upsetting you. Eventually, the intensity will pass and it will be possible to become centered, approachable, and intentional about how to address the situation. You will come from a position of empowerment rather than impulsivity. It might be hard because it is sooooo tempting to act in the moment. However, if you can find a way to take a time out, you get to spend the time taking care of yourself and becoming your best self. This is much better than spending much longer apologizing and being weighed down with regret. In addition, trust develops. You will have demonstrated that you are safe, because even when there is a problem, they know you will still be able to respond with respect and dignity.
The main factor behind success is self-control.
Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset. – Anonymous.
What lies in our power to do, it lies within our power not to do. – Aristotle
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves a thousand moments of regret. –Anonymous
A strong person is not the person who overpowers his adversaries to the ground but a strong person is the one who contains himself when he is angry. – Prophet Muhammad
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept stupid people the way they are, courage to maintain my self-control and wisdom to know that if I act on it, I will go to jail. –DespicableMnions.org
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References
Real, T. (2008). The new rules of marriage: What you need to know to make love work. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.
http://changingminds.org/explanations/brain/fight_flight.htm
Medications for Mental Health
The topic of medication is a complicated one. I have had heard repeatedly from clients that they do not want to even consider going down this path, for good reasons. We are all too aware of personal and public stories where pills have been handed out like candy. People have seen loved ones dealing with side effects that can outweigh benefits. Worst of all, there is a pervasive message that medications mean that someone is weak or “simply” avoiding their issues with drugs. No wonder the mere mention of the topic is provocative.
Yet, for many, medications can make the difference between staying in bed or being able to go to work, from being paralyzed by panic or being able to function. I want to clarify that the popular perspective is not only inaccurate, it is adds unfair judgments that can cause people to stay away from what they might badly need.
The main point of this article is to highlight the reality that skills can only go so far. Invisible to the naked eye are brain structures and chemistry that can play a major role. These are things we cannot out-think nor help with talk therapy. One particular area is something scientists identified years ago. They are called neurotransmitters, the communication system that impacts all areas of the body, ranging from heart beats, movement, and even… pooping. While each chemical has complicated functions, the three that are most often implicated in moods and their corresponding behaviors are highlighted below:
- Dopamine: impacts desire, motivation, productivity and motor control. Some brain issues can impact normal levels (such as Schizophrenia and Parkinson’s), as can brain development and aging. This can impair memory, mood, attention, learning, and sleep. It has also been linked to anorexia and obsessive compulsive disorder.
- Serotonin: during a seminar on nutrition, the facilitator affectionately said the “s” stands for satisfied. This neurotransmitter signals that we are happy and content. It takes away the fluctuations in mood and helps with the quality of sleep. Those who struggle with depression, anxiety and insomnia are often found to not have enough Serotonin in their system.
- Norepinephrine: a major chemical involved in the fight-or-flight response, increasing heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of sugar in the blood.
These neurotransmitters can be aided with exercise, nutrition, meditation and self-care. However, in many cases, it is not enough to bring the needed levels of relief. However, there is a complication. The strategies mentioned above require a lifestyle change because the deficiencies are ongoing. If there is insufficient dopamine, there might not be not enough dopamine to feel motivated to make the effort. If there is a serotonin deficiency, it will not bring a sense of satisfaction afterwards. Therefore, either discipline or external accountability would be required until there is adequate chemical balance to sustain.
We also need balanced chemistry to have a shot at any skills being effective. One client, after months of working on skills, took six hours to calm down once a trigger occurred. Once the right medication was found and the mind chemically calmed, the skills had a chance to take hold and the recovery time decreased to thirty minutes! Another client was so depressed, daily tasks and hygiene went out the window. It took medication along with therapy to help this person have enough interest in life and energy to engage be able to go to work.
It is easy to misunderstand or ignore those things that we cannot see. Hopefully, this provides one aspect of the physiological implications in moods. When we are struggling, the goal is to find effective, healthy relief. When it comes to ailments like heart conditions or migraines, we do not expect sufferers to be “strong enough” to function without medications. Let’s give those who are afflicted with mental health issues to have the same level of compassion. Should you hope to talk through this further, please call me at 303-915-5597. You may also consider gathering other perspectives through knowledgeable doctors, including a primary care physician.
Resources:
https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/neuroscience/neurotransmitters
https://brain-sharp.com/blogs/news/increase-dopamine-levels
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/serotonin
https://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Chemical%20Imbalance.html
When Is It Emotional Abuse?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201609/when-is-it-emotional-abuse?eml
This article seems well-timed after post on different kinds of trauma. As Chloe Dykstra’s courageous disclosure explains, emotional abuse is an insidious process where an abuser works methodically to break down a person’s resources and replace it with their malignant agenda of control. Sometimes we can readily identify such a person (like a critical, authoritarian boss) but many times, the caustic efforts are subtle or gradual. As the gas lighting continues, Dykstra highlights what changes occur: she no longer knew up from down and no friends were left as a reference point or to help her navigate through the abuse. Somehow, she was lucky enough to find a way out before her spirit was annihilated.
While she talks about what such a relationship is like after three years, there are a few red flags that can warn you before the relationship has started to take hold. This is not intended to blame anyone who has gone through such an experience. It is through these stories that we have begun to identify patterns that can serve as invaluable information for others.
Intuition is our greatest ally
Intuition is the internal mechanism that provides protection from danger. You might not always know exactly why you feel uneasy, but this resource picks up on subtleties that are often below our conscious detection. There might be “weird” energy, a unnerving smile that does not reach the eyes, hints at underlying anger, and body language, to name a few. Our culture tends to value friendliness and trust so this conditioning can often dismiss what our intuition senses. This is to our detriment. It is always wise to heed these warnings, even if you do not yet know the reason(s).
Charm should not be an adjective but a verb.
According to an expert on violence in many forms, de Becker writes, “Charm is almost always a direct instrument, which, like rapport building, has motive. To charm is to compel, to control by allure or attraction… If you consciously tell yourself, “This person is trying to charm me,” as opposed to “This person is charming,” you’ll be able to see around it. Most often, when you see what’s behind charm, it won’t be sinister, but other times you’ll be glad you looked.” (p. 58, 1997)
The only good kind of control is self-control
There are many instances when someone believes that their opinions are “more valid” than your own. It is suggested that your judgment is questionable so their wisdom and opinion should be accepted without resistance. Should there be a challenge, it is deemed disrespectful and intolerable. Clearly, this is not the kind of environment where two people can exchange ideas, negotiate, or even have differences. It’s one way or no way. Using interruptions, ignoring external input, changing the subject, or relentless persistence, these tactics serve to wear you down until you agree simply to get the conversation over with or stop speaking up. While these conversations are exasperating in and of themselves, over time they erode your grip on reality and compromise your sense of who you are.
Ignoring the word “no”
De Becker warns that when someone refuses to hear the word ‘no’, a boundary is being ignored. “No” is a word that sends out a message regarding what you feel comfortable with and what is a push beyond what feels wise or safe. “It is a word that must never be negotiated because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you.” He goes on to state, “With strangers, even those with the best intentions, never, ever relent on the issue of ‘no’ because it sets the stage for more efforts to control. If you let someone talk you out of the word ‘no’, you might as well wear a sign that reads, “You are in charge.” (1997, p. 64)
These are just a few of the many tactics abusers use. Should you wonder if you are in such an abusive relationship, there is a link below that can provide you with a list of symptoms to see if this applies to your situation or simply further informs you about what to look for. We all have challenges in relationships, but we have the right to be have our individuality respected and our dignity kept intact.
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Resources:
DeBecker, G. (1997). The Gift of fear. New York, NY: Random House, Inc.
Forward, S. (1997) Emotional blackmail. New York, NY: Harper Collins Publishers
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why does he do that? New York, NY: Berkley Books.
Mathews, A. (6/20/18). When is it emotional abuse? Psychology Today [Online]. Available: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201609/when-is-it-emotional-abuse?eml
Power and control wheel of emotional abuse: https://runningthroughtears.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/power_and_control_wheel_large.gif
