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Day of Remembrance
Today marks the time of year when the trans community and their allies recognize those who have been killed due to hate crimes. There has been amplified demoralizing and terrifying scapegoating onto the community, amplifying the threats these beautiful human beings have to endure. I have no words- the painful reality that being authentic is truly life-threatening for these beautiful people.
What to know about the transgender day of remembrance
Tonight, if you want to be present with the community, The Transgender Center of the Rockies and The Center on Colfax, are hosting a candelit ceremony at the Tivoli Turnhalle from 6-9 p..m. They will honor those who have lost their lives this year with music, poetry, affirmations, and speaking the names of those who’ve died.
For Many, It Is A Dark Time
With the election largely over, we are left with sobering answers about who we are as a people, state, and nation. There are painful realities that have been revealed about how our leaders view the very citizens they serve and have promised that treatment will not be equal. Half of our nation has voted for authoritarian dictates, exclusivity, a double set of ethics, constant threats, manipulation, and exploitation. The reach is long- the promised policies will have a ripple effect into every facet of our lives, impacting all branches of government as well as generations down the line.
For the next few days, I urge all of us to turn off the media that has been saturating our senses and spaces. Allow room for grief- it is your heart acknowledging what we love, what we have lost, and what further hardships may come. Find those who understand and share your pain, reminding you that you are not alone.
Soon, we must move beyond pessimism, despair, and pain because there is work to do. There are lessons to learn, weakening democratic pillars to reinforce, people who will need our protection, and the imperative to hold fast to dignity and morality when our social mores have been commandeered by hate speech and bullying.
I share with you a few words spoken by people much wiser than me, who offer balm for a bruised heart and hope in dark times:
- Today is for suffering. But tomorrow—tomorrow is for community. I’ll be there, chest heaving, limbs heavy, eyes blurry, waiting for you. Scaachi Koul
- “Some things you must always be unable to bear. Some things you must never stop refusing to bear. Injustice and outrage and dishonor and shame. No matter how young you are or how old you have got. Not for kudos and not for cash: your picture in the paper nor money in the bank either. Just refuse to bear them.” – William Faulkner
- Choose courage over selfishness, trust over fear, love over anger. You do not know the end of grace. There is much you cannot change but bring healing where you can. We are not promised to be given light, but to shine with light. Don’t become an enemy of the world and its brokenness. Stay tender. Become a source of comfort and joy for others. Let this purpose bear you through the darkness and you yourself will become light. Take courage; trust grace; stay connected; practice love. – Rev. Steve Garnaas-Holmes
I hope you can honor your sorrow, enjoy small moments find reminders that there is good in the world, and most importantly, find the flicker of light that can guide you in dark times.
Voting Resource
Good news! We’re nearing the end of this election rollercoaster. That means it is time to buckle down and engage in the great privilege of researching, discerning, and most importantly- voting. It is so tempting to be caught up in identity politics or have the headline of the day overshadow our civic duty of thoughtful consideration of the candidates and issues. This Carl Sagan quote seems to fit the moment:
We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.
The link below will hopefully make it a little easier to make sense of all the information out there. A few questions to consider:
- Does my vote consider all angles of the issue including who it impacts ? Have I considered what it would be like to be on the receiving end of this change?
- Does my vote lead to collaboration and community? (versus hostility)
- Are the sources I’m using to make my decision known for honesty or focused on persuasion?
- Is the candidate someone I would be willing to hire? Example: what kind of conduct and integrity have they shown? What does their resume show- qualifications, experience, etc. Who is financially connected to them? Who is willing to endorse them (and connect their reputation to this person)?
Thank you for doing all you can to ensure the voice of the people are represented in our leaders!
My Wishes for Trying Times
Sadly, this is not one of those articles where my wacky humor helps turn heavy topics into something light. This time my heart aches after reading about a group of kids who had to stay home from school for two days because political rhetoric led to a bomb threat at their school. Luckily, when I was ready to cry into a bucket of ice cream, a well-timed hug brought much needed balm. Now I am enjoying the quiet contentment of my geriatric cat purring next to me as I write. Thank goodness for the sweet moments that soothe an aching heart.
As we move into the frenzied time prior to the election, the divisive messaging is intensifying. But I refuse to accept that we have to tolerate this as the new norm. Not only is it mean, the news story mentioned above highlights that it is dangerous. We do not have to embody this vitriol! Let’s reconnect to our core ethical values for how we relate to each other. I know it will take focused intention, but I know we can do better, be better than what is being modeled. Here are my wishes for each of us as we go forward:
Let’s Be Respectful
Respect involves showing the other person that they deserve to be treated with dignity. This trait cannot be dependent upon conditions. It’s easy to be respectful when we agree, but it takes real maturity and character to be respectful even when there is hurt and anger.
Let’s Practice Humility
Searching to be right, the greatest, or the most accomplished only serves to separate us from each other. We all have positive and negative attributes, and if we can recognize this, we can engage in the very vulnerability that leads to connection.
Let’s Look for the Positive
We are all human. Our interactions may not always come in pretty packages and we may make enormous mistakes. Seek out the positive in people. We tend to get what we expect to find.
Let’s Lead with Compassion
To me, compassion involves practicing the radical act of living out of our shared humanity. No matter who we are or the afflictions we have, we wish from the depths of our being that the other can be relieved of suffering and find peace.
Let’s Embody Kindness
Kindness is to be caring without the need for personal benefit or gain. Dr. Doty said, “Kindness ripples out and makes it more likely that your friends and those around you will be kinder. It is a social contagion that puts our society right.”
Let’s Be Good Company
We can act like a benevolent grandparent who receives another without judgment or distortion, asks for nothing, yet takes pleasure in learning, observing and understanding the life experience of another just as it is. We manifest this attitude by being non-manipulative, non-clinging, non-demanding. We let the other be themselves.
Let’s Love with Abandon
Give love freely and abundantly. Maintain concern for others and embrace the part we each can play in helping to make life more comfortable for others.
Let’s Hold on to Hope
When we have hope, we see that above the clouds lives the beautiful shining sun. We have the capacity to see potential, even if this means rethinking assumptions, changing attitudes, and taking fresh action.
There is so much good in this world, I hope we never lose sight of it or take it for granted. Together, let us bring out the best in ourselves and each other.
The Difference Between Panic Attacks and Overwhelming Anxiety
I was all set to write about the “joys” of panic and anxiety but found a great article that summarizes the differences so why reinvent the wheel? The article includes the diagnostic criteria so you can label what is taking place in the body and accurately identify what is happening to distinguish the experience from a medical emergency. It also provides you with concise language to share with providers should medication be part of the treatment plan.
Of course, no link can be provided without a little commentary, specifically about panic attacks. As the article mentions, a panic attack usually last around ten minutes. I have found that this is true only in the times when someone allows the sensations to run their course and thoughts remain minimal. Most of the time, however, people suffer much longer due to the internal chatter that keep the elevated state intact.
When working with a client, this is one of the places I focus first: to ensure this is “only” a chemical misfire rather than additional mental suffering. I start by identifying the core fear which usually speaks to the confusion that comes with these experiences. A mantra is then the antidote, keeping the meaning machine (brain) focused so the body can get back to homeostasis. Here are common examples:
- I’m dying, I’m going crazy Antidote: This is panic.
- I’m trapped, it’s not going to end Antidote: This will pass.
- I can’t make it stop Antidote: Just breathe.
I personally have delt with panic disorder for years and have become so familiar with the experience that I know exactly what is happening. I have affectionately named my panic “Henry.” When the adrenaline surge happens, I name it as soon as possible, “Oh ‘hi’ Henry. I wasn’t aware that we were getting together today.” Then I find a comfortable spot, close my eyes, focus on slowing my breath down, and with a few other tools sprinkled in, stay the course until the rush passes.
While I do not wish panic attacks on anyone, I can personally attest that they do not have to dominate your life. Understanding, tools, and resources go a long way. Don’t hesitate to find support to help you figure out the strategy that is best suited for you.
Relationship Check-Ins
It is so easy to coast when things are going well in a relationship. Little frustrations and annoyances seem insignificant, so we go along without feeling a need to bring anything up and upset the good vibes. What goes unnoticed is on a very subtle level those “little” things are sitting in the back of our minds are starting to build. Eventually, something will be the final straw and all those unspoken issues show up with gusto. We come to the table with raw emotion and a sense of justified anger, ready to get things off our chest. As you can imagine this barf-bag approach to working through things is not ideal. We tend to walk away hurt and confused as to why resolution remained out of reach while the other person feels attacked, flooded, and looking for a mountain day spa to get away.
Luckily, this does not have to be the relationship’s destiny. Moving from the miserable cycle of coasting to crisis, regular check-ups can create a chance to talk through things while they are still small or before resentments get traction. I was recently introduced to Multi Amory’s R.A.D.A.R model, a clear step-by-step process that provides both parties a way to prepare for and implement a constructive conversation. I’ll summarize core concepts here (and add a little commentary), but feel free to review the linked resources below to learn more.
- Grab the paper listing the outline of topics to cover. The authors also have a format to follow that includes how to start the conversation and the core topics to cover. Of course, each party might have additional items to discuss, but the list covers the major components of a relationship. I recommend having an adorable cat to pet or some chocolate to share.
- Know exactly what you want from the conversation. This may include sharing, validation, advice, problem-solving, etc. Let the other person know so they do not have to guess.
- Make sure you can show up as your best self. Already agitated because of a lack of sleep, angry, stressed, or compromised (ex: intoxicated) will only make things harder. As Bierce said, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” I encourage both parties to consider the qualities that are inviting: tone, word choice, body language, and facial expressions. Starting off with a pleasant tone goes a long way. In addition, from the start to the finish, do all you can to ensure the exchange maintains an overall quality of respect, curiosity, and a desire to show up well. As a colleague said, “Let your heart connect with another’s heart.”
- Once ready to address something tender, the folks at Multi Amory borrow from the recommendations made with Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication approach. For those familiar with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, this is similar to “DEAR”. Basically, the speaker provides a factual recount of the situation, void of assumptions and hurtful adjectives. Feelings are then shared followed by the stated need/core request. Once the context is clear to all involved, the parties are ready to discuss the options and determine how to move forward. Example: “I’ve noticed you’ve been coming home a half hour to an hour later from work than usual for the last week or two. I’m concerned about your stress and frustrated that things are unpredictable. If you would call me if you are going to be more than twenty minutes late, I can start working on other things in the meantime. Then when you get home, I can have chores done and be ready to connect.”
Isn’t it fantastic that there are so many wise people to draw from?!? Enjoy capitalizing on their suggestions: skillful check-ups can make all the difference in the world to keep a relationship healthy and loving. Here’s to meaningful conversations that help us grow individually and in relationships!
Resources
Relationship anarchy smorgasbord
Getting the Most Out of Therapy: Part 2
I’m about to go into a lengthy metaphor, so bear with me. There is a time in a plant’s life when it is given special attention because it’s struggling. It starts with a dedicated look into overall health of both the plant itself and the environment, then it’s time to create and implement a plan of action. There may be places to prune because shoots or dead branches drain away energy it needs to grow. Sometimes it needs medicine to remove bugs or infection that create a battle for survival. Drastic changes may be required on occasion, like a relocation to a more hospitable location where there is enough sun, shade, good soil, and water to meet basic needs. During this process, nurturance is essential to ensure adequate attention and care is provided. I can’t think of a better metaphor for the role you and therapy can play in your life.
As mentioned in my last article, there is so much that can be done to make the most of this important process. Building on those ideas, here are a few more to consider:
DURING YOUR SESSION
Stay focused on you. Take advantage of the uninterrupted time you have with someone else who is dedicated to your wellbeing. Consider:
Are you the primary focus of the topic? One way people protect themselves from going into hard areas is to talk about other people and what they need to work on instead of focusing on themselves. This is especially true for couples because it is safer to focus on what one person thinks the other should change rather than doing the courageous, humbling work of looking within.
Is the time largely spent working on things or describing past conversations? It is tempting to go into great detail about a past interaction, yet this only results in living something twice. It robs you of the chance to work through whatever is at the crux of the issue. Unless asked for detailed information, stay focused on the meat of the matter.
Don’t miss the chance to experience of having a need met! Clients often talk about the pain of being misunderstood or feeling alone because no one listens. I check in to see what it is like to get the need met with me and many times they are surprised to realize that what they long for is happening during the session, in real time… and they’re missing it. Similarly, within moments, folks often express grief around how long they have gone without this connection. While this is understandable and there will be time to reflect later, the focus on the past steals away the chance to feel satisfied. I encourage you to savor! Hopefully it will be the start of more to come!
Experiment. Ideally, therapy is a place where it is safe to take risks. (If not, that is a whole different conversation). Bring in your sense of play, experimentation, and imagination. They are the core tools to venture beyond the familiar/habitual and create the potential for something new. There is no need to already have things figured out or to be a master when something is brand new. So be messy, make mistakes, and fail brilliantly! (I know I’m a great model for this.) If expectations for perfection are removed, who knows where your intuition will take you.
RIGHT AFTER YOUR SESSION
Allow time to ensure you’ve captured the important take-aways. In times when sessions are especially emotionally charged, short term memory largely goes offline and your ability to synthesize the information can be compromised. Writing down your thoughts will provide time to make sense of your experience and allow for further reflection throughout the week. And please, please, please don’t forget to enjoy successes!
THE ONGOING WORK
With those notes in hand, consider how you want to implement what has emerged. Therapy is usually an hour once a week or biweekly, while our entrenched views/behaviors can be practiced all the hours in between. This is when intentional focus is especially important. Some examples:
- Pay attention to a given pattern to understand when it emerges, its impacts, etc. Focus on understanding how it is helpful in your life. We do things because they either have or still have a purpose. Unless this need is identified and met in another way, change is simply unsustainable.
- Perhaps you encounter a new and novel perspective. Chew on it. Observe what impact this new view might have. Is it accurate? Is it helpful? Is it a good fit? Is it doable?
- Implement a skill.
- Read books, listen to podcasts, and talk to trusted others to deepen your understanding.
- Engaging in activities that further enhance self-care.
- All work and no play…. makes us crabby. Ensure there is time to work while also having balance with activities that feed you.
Back to the metaphor (last time, I promise). Make the most out of therapy by being both a gardener and a plant. As you learn what is needed and apply it regularly, health and strength are restored and the plant (you) can then grow into the best rose, daisy, shrub, or tree it is destined to be!