One of the things I appreciate is when someone asks great questions about a concept to ensure the principles fit with personal experience and values. One such situation just happened around the idea of boundaries, “If having healthy boundaries means becoming clearer about expectations, do we send away (by intention or self-selection) those people who don’t like boundaries or aren’t otherwise healthy? By doing that, are we not simply sending away the ‘more’ broken, hurting and marginalized among us? If we don’t love them, who will?” (Client) Knowing that boundaries are a vital part.
First, we must move away from the idea that boundaries are something imposed upon others like some kind of punishment. It is a form of protection that ensures one’s time, space, financial resources, emotional energy, and spiritual well-being (to name a few) are preserved. If I continually allow someone to take up my time when I have other things to do, or if I give so much that I have nothing left for myself or loved ones, it takes a toll. One particular outcome is the potential for resentment and contempt to grow. There is little ability to move towards resolution or reconciliation, let alone having fun together if one of you is full of resentment towards the other. When we take care of ourselves through limits, goodwill is preserved because we have not volunteered to be used or taken advantage of.
Second, our role is not to become less healthy to draw others in. I have often heard Christians struggle because they say that they have been encouraged to “turn the other cheek.” We forget that Jesus was very controversial and often made statements that were hard for people to hear. He overturned tables and upset a whole industry because they were violating the holiness of God’s House by turning it into a market. He chastised the religious leaders because they were more interested in following the rules than being able to respond to a human in need. Jesus cared so much for all people; he was willing to endure relationship rifts because their well-being was more important than being liked or keeping others comfortable.
Instead, we offer something wounded people often have been denied: clear expectations, defined roles, and respect. There will be some people who will feel uncomfortable with this because it is unfamiliar. However, we can help alleviate this distress by being open about why we are implementing the boundaries in such a way and help them understand that this promotes greater equanimity and accountability, improved communication, and care Mary Ann Williams wrote:
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Compassion and empathy encourages us to help the lost and afraid. Some cannot accept this kind of warmth and will run to the shadows- they are not ready yet. But this does not change the goodness that we offer- when he/she is ready. Our healthy boundaries ensures that when they are ready to try again, there will be someone there who is safe, trustworthy, and healthy. The great paradox about boundaries is that if you look after your own needs, you will help the relationship in the long term.
- “Good fences make good neighbors” -Robert Frost (I would add, just make sure there is a gate)
- “Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers.” – Anonymous
- “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you. – Proverbs 25:1