Sometimes, life sucks. Loss, injustice, disappointment, accidents, the complete lack of tech skills (sorry hubby!)… There are inevitably hardships that come our way that cannot be reframed or bandaged. I’m not going to tell you to look at the positive, nor am I going to delude myself into thinking I’m helpful with some platitude when you will still feel just as miserable. Instead, it is o.k., dare I say healthy, to allow yourself to be upset during these times. In a culture addicted to comfort at all costs, the goal is not always to feel “better”.
So let’s clarify something. Book titles like “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”, “Why Me?” and “When God Says No” suggest that something is wrong when we are struggling, as if we were just good enough none of this would have happened. If we can take anything from the Biblical book of Job, it highlights that even the most iconically perfect human being fell on hard times. While sometimes we have to experience painful consequences for our actions, struggles are not about some personal reckoning, nor are you a victim if you struggle. The unflattering reality is that shit happens.
But that does not mean that these experiences are only to be endured. Instead, they are ripe with potential to challenge ourselves, learn, and find the path that leads to wisdom. It all lies in the willingness to face hardships with the intention to see pain as another kind of enriching experience. Don’t believe me? Consider, just a few potential benefits:
- No longer having control, it can loosen up deep rooted patterns that may be stagnant and predictable. This allows new risks to be taken, no longer bound by the comfortable handcuffs of the familiar.
- Core beliefs are challenged. For example, a common lament is the desire for justice, but much of life is not about merit. A child does not ask to be born with fetal alcohol syndrome, loosing thousands of dollars due to a Ponzi scheme is not deserved, etc. There is a whole lot of life that has nothing to do with fairness, no matter how much we wish it could be. As these constructs break down, we become open to new understandings.
- Defenses also tend to break down, creating the potential for new vulnerability and honesty. These are the very qualities needed to connect with others in deep and meaningful ways.
- Nothing is more humbling than imperfection. It is the ultimate cure for pride and self-righteousness, and replacing them with compassion and empathy.
- There is also nothing quite as heartwarming nor inspiring as seeing someone stand by our side, providing love and belonging, flaws and all.
- It is easy to take aspects of life for granted or be driven by the pressure to do/want/strive for more. Seeing the tenderness of life and the frailty of our existence breeds gratitude for what we already have.
My hope is that we stop this constant fear of the bumps of life. Instead, let’s see this as part of the ride. If it’s painful, allow the upset and let the emotion pass through. When feeling alone, embrace the opportunity to learn what it means to need our friends for more than coffee and a movie. Take hold of the chance to develop healthier strategies, and most importantly, be thankful for the reminder that we are not omnipotent (If I have a hard time not killing plants, I shudder to think of what would happen if I was in charge).
Pema Chodron wrote, “…there are two ways to go into a gas chamber, free or not free. This is our choice in every moment. Do we relate to our circumstances with bitterness or with openness?” She then adds, “All things are workable… a fearless proclamation of what’s possible for ordinary people like you and me.”
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Chodron, P. (2000). When things fall apart: Heart advice for difficult times. Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications, Inc.
Brown, B. C. (2010). The gifts of imperfection. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Dalia Lama. (1997). Healing anger: the power of patience from a Buddhist perspective. Ithaca, NY: Snow Lion Publications