There has recently been a tragedy so horrific, there is no word that can capture the nature of the crime or the surrounding sentiment it has provoked. Jessica Ridgeway, a ten year old girl living in the suburb where my practice is located, was brutally murdered this past month. From the time of her disappearance to the recent arrest of the seventeen year old suspect, Austin Sigg, it has rocked the entire community to the core. Anyone who was lulled into a belief that their neighborhood is immune to trauma has been shocked into a sad reality.
As the system does its job to address the survivors’ needs and seek intervention for the killer, we must now ask ourselves what our own response should be as the community. It is so tempting for fear and anger to consume our thoughts, obsessively fantasizing that “justice prevail!” Yet there is no such thing as justice here. Nothing we do will bring Jessica back. Nothing we do will remove the scars this tragedy will leave on the hurting hearts of loved ones. Nothing we do will restore Austin’s family to their previous sense of innocence.
This event is now a part of our community narrative and I implore all of us to resist the temptation of letting seductive emotions overcome our potential for love, compassion, and thoughtful action. Blame and resentment will only provide the foundation for reactivity and the justification for cruelty. Revenge will dominate so completely that we will be blind to any potential to learn and grow from the experience. As Ghandi said, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”
If you think this is not possible, consider the Amish reaction to the school shooting that left five of their young ones dead . “Within hours of the shooting, several Amish had already visited Robert’s wife Marie (The wife of the school shooter) and to counsel her in her grief. One family, of one dead child had even invited Marie to the funeral of their daughter that had been killed by Marie’s husband.(1) The Amish leaders have insisted that a fund be setup for the Marie and her three children. There has been no hate our pointing of fingers by the Amish at anyone even the widow of the killer. All that has come out from the Amish is a love of God and forgiveness.(2)
This may seem so contradictory to instinct, yet I believe firmly that we are more than a bundle of reactions. We have the ability to choose, and hopefully it is in a way that leaves us stronger, wiser, and more deeply committed to promoting good in the world. For those struggling with anger, I respectfully direct you to two articles that I have written that are relevant on the subject, oozing anger (3) and forgiveness (4). For those struggling with fear, action will help you move from vulnerability to empowerment. If you are the parent, take this opportunity to protect your greatest treasure: your child. Consider contacting “Impact” (5), an organization dedicated to helping people become strong in the face of danger. (They are currently working on developing a program for Girl Scouts!) Or perhaps there is a self-defense course- many are available that are custom fit to various developmental ages. As for the neighborhood, you may want to start a community watch program or request that your school create a presentation for their students on best safety practices.
Other potential responses that can soothe the hurting soul:
- Do what you can do support causes that help victims in their healing.
- For friends of both families (Jessica’s and Austin’s), realize that there is no time limit on grief. Most of the overt support will last a few months, but the process of finding some kind of new norm will take years. What do you need so you can walk side by side with these hurting people? What will it take to endure the long road?
- Dwell in compassion: consider what the Austin’s family is going through as they are shocked by the previously unknown deadly mental illness that has consumed their son and taken away his ability to have a fulfilling life. Before this event, he was known as a shy, friendly kid who spent two years in choir. Now he is only known as Jessica’s killer.
- Refuse to vilify a sick young man. He is also a victim- someone whose mind is compromised by severe mental illness. No one who has a fully working conscience or ability to have healthy self-control can do what he did. He is afflicted and needs the system to protect him from himself.
I know my sentiments may not be easy to hear, but I feel it is necessary to avoid spiraling into darkness. Let us cry together, witness each to each other, and stand strong with the support of loving friends.
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
– William Ernest Henley
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1 http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=14900930
2 http://forums.anandtech.com/showthread.php?t=1945182.
3 http://www.sbscounseling.com/snare-4-oozing-anger
4 http://www.sbscounseling.com/forgiveness/
5 http://www.impact-colorado.org/