While facilitating a group for sexual abuse survivors, I learned to issue a warning every time a new member joined the fold. For some reason, there was a strong tendency to rate trauma, using measures like the degree of the assault and the number of times the abuse occurred. The conclusion would determine how much suffering a person was justified to have and how much support they should expect. I had to clarify that every person who sat in the circle was there because they had a common bond; someone had taken liberties with their bodies, impacting their trust, sense of safety, and wholeness. Each person has unique aspects to their story, partially determining what will be needed for recovery, and in our group all stories are legitimate as-is.
I couldn’t help but wonder why this speech was necessary. What purpose would such an assessment provide and why did so many people do it?
Toxic Belief 1: Other People Have Suffered More Than Me….
The end of that sentence is usually, “so what do I have to complain about?” Suddenly, a moment of honesty turns into shame. It is as if there is an inherent character flaw that would cause someone to be so weak, so needy as to think their personal truth has any validity.
Imagine a child coming home in tears, stating that his best friend made fun of his clothes while other kids laughed at him. The parent turns to the child and says, “Stop being such a baby. There are kids in the world who don’t even have clothes.” Although I hate even writing such a scenario because it is so mean, it is the emotional equivalent to what is happening internally. No matter what other people are going through, you are still hurting and need support.
Opposite Toxic Belief 2: No One Has Struggled Like Me
There is no medal for enduring pain, nor does it automatically engender respect. This belief does nothing more than promote self-righteousness and entitlement. Such elements are the perfect recipe for discounting the pain of others (Note how one toxic belief promotes the opposite toxic belief).
I’m sure that you have enjoyed this “one-upping” at some point in your life. If you had back pain during pregnancy, another mother responds with her misery at being bed-ridden. If you had a confrontation with your boss, you are reminded that it is nothing compared to the bully another person has had to deal with at work. This person kids him/herself into thinking that this is friendly conversation, but if we are honest, it is feigned empathy and nothing more than a plea for attention.
Neither belief is desirable, but there is a way that comparing may be beneficial. When pain emerges, it becomes all-encompassing and heavy. The positives in life can be forgotten or overlooked, making the situation feel even more desperate. If a person is able to look at the suffering of others and reconnect with some of the blessings they have forgotten, something beautiful can happen. Like a cactus flower in the desert, gratitude and hope can emerge in the emotional desolation. This is the very fuel that can help a person endure.
Happily, empathy and compassion are not scarce resources; support will grow when shared. Find common ground and hold up one another. The bumpy roads will be more tolerable when there is good company along the way.
Questions
- Am I allowing my experience to be legitimate, no matter what others have gone through?
- Am I recognizing the needs that I have because of this situation?
- How might I meet these needs with compassion and kindness?
- Are there others who may be able to understand where I am coming from so I don’t have to face this alone?
- How can I use my situation to support someone going through a similar hardship?