Sometimes life is hard. A universal reality is that we all have dark times marked by pain and struggle, yet we often don’t realize that along this time in our journey there are certain mental snares that crop up. When they take hold, they distract us with meanings and interpretations that keep us weighed down and defeated. These steal away opportunities to grow from the struggle as well as hope that there are new joys to look forward to. The key is to know what to look for and how to respond so they are recognizable and easier to overcome. Over the next several weeks, I will highlight seven snares to look out for. Todays installment is:
Snare 1: The belief that an experience has the power to determine your character.
Self-doubt, shame, and regret plague people who believe that they are permanently marked because of something they experienced or an action taken. “I’m a failure” is stated with certainty because twenty years ago, the person was held back a grade. Another person, struggling with the impacts of childhood trauma, tearfully shares their deepest fear, “I’m damaged!” Like the scarlet letter, these negative labels develop and become so overwhelming in the psyche that they overshadow any other qualities or potentials. They color everything: choices, behaviors, friendships, even what is allowed to be dreamed. The labels take hold and strip their victim of freedom, esteem, and hope.
This snare denies that we are human beings constantly growing and changing. We have the capacity to learn, change our environment, and gain new perspectives by inviting different people into our lives. We also are larger than any one experience. Hardships and traumas do occur that are beyond our control. Our power, our responsibility to ourselves, lies in what we do about it.
- Refuse to believe that any one label is big enough to define a life. Notice your thoughts. See what kind of beliefs constantly tell you who you are supposed to be or how you should respond. These force you into roles that keep you limited and stuck. Begin to poke holes in these assumptions: notice contradictory information that provides evidence of how complex you really are. Ask others about their perspectives or approaches so you can increase your repertoire of potential responses.
- Use visuals to change the experience you have of yourself. Perhaps you can imagine a waterfall that has the power to wash away mental baggage. Another option would be to imagine cutting loose the beliefs or patterns that constantly pull at you or weigh you down.
- Deconstruct your situation to see what you may have overlooked. Look for assumptions that might be at play, identify triggers that might be active that bring up the same old feelings. Consider what advice you may give a friend (which is often contrary to what you tell yourself if negative labels exist). Finally, identify what you hope to accomplish and what values are important to you so you can incorporate those elements into solutions you consider. This process will take you out of autopilot and help you become as flexible as a stream that changes direction when a stone falls into the water.