Do you ever leave a conversation wondering what the heck went wrong? In spite of best intentions, did you walk away feeling misunderstood and at odds with the other person? You are not alone. We talk all the time in our society, yet we often don’t understand the complexity of our interactions. Unaware of what is happening, there are tons of miscues that undermine our ability to connect and ;eave us wanting to pull our hair out in frustration.
As a chronic people watcher, I have had the opportunity to observe what factors create productive conversations and what dynamics lead to disconnection. To clarify, it is rare that the topic is the problem (ex: an uncomfortable subject). Rather, it is the underlying approach that makes all the difference in the world. Sadly, most of the time people do not even know they are engaging in the behaviors because they are so focused on what they are saying, they aren’t even thinking about how they are saying it. To help, I have compiled a list of some of the most frequent struggles I encounter and some suggestions on how to overcome them. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it can be a start in the right direction:
- Be sure your message is clear. So many times, people enter into a conversation unaware of what they actually want to accomplish. They may have a feeling, or know they want to talk something through, but don’t have any specific intention in mind. Without any kind of compass, how can your audience know what you’re talking about if you don’t know either? Solution: identify your point before engaging someone else.
- Only bring up one point at a time. People are often tempted to bring all the points they need to address in one conversation, sometimes even in one sentence. If too much is on the table, it is easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged. Solution: Rather than having breadth, focus on depth. If you are able to address one subject all the way through, both parties feel a sense of accomplishment and the topic can be put to rest. Once there is closure, you can decide to tackle another issue or spend some time enjoying your success before working on something new.
- Talk with rather than at someone. No one likes a sermon if they are not at church. If the conversation is one sided, it won’t take long before the person having to listen will lose interest. And no wonder. If there is no room for input or interaction, the audience isn’t necessary. In times your audience stays engaged, it won’t be long before s/he tires out. It takes focus to listen well. If there is no opportunity to break up the information, the conversation becomes hard rather than engaging. Solution: Be sure to check in frequently, ask questions about the other’s point of view, and check in to make sure your point was communicated as intended.
- Replace your “or” with “and”. It is not common for a topic to be addressed with, “It’s either your way or mine.” This approach is nothing more than a win-lose situation where one person gets to have their needs met and the other is fated to be dissatisfied. Solution: there is so much more to life than a two-system approach. Collaborate together. Get input from all parties about what they want, and then approach the subject with faith that there is a win-win somewhere to be found. If two are not able to find a solution, ask trusted advisors for suggestions.
- Do not say something you will regret. Hurtful words cannot be taken back. Even when an apology is given, the other person will not forget that you gave yourself permission to be cruel. In addition, there will always be a nagging voice to the other person, wondering if what you said was really the truth, rather than something said in the heat of the moment. Solution: only try to
have a conversation when you can be respectful. If you become compromised, take a breath, take a break, or do whatever you need to do to regain control. It’s better to go slower and play fair than finish quickly but have a lot of damage control to the relationship that may never be the same as it was before. - Avoid the extremes. In times of conflict, emotions are raw and everything becomes black and white. If there is not a quick solution, it can be easy to seek an out. Usually, it has something to do with abandoning all hope and making a statement that suggests the relationship should end. “If you don’t like it, leave.” In a marriage it might look like, “Fine! Then maybe you should just
file for divorce!” All the sudden, an attempt to address a struggle has ended up being a threat to the relationship. If the goal is to frighten someone into compliance, it may work, but fear and resentment are almost sure to surface. What is a sure thing is the sense of safety in the relationship has been undermined and this person will think twice before being open and honest again.
Solution: don’t go there if you don’t mean it. In those instances when the relationship really does need to end, do not decide in a moment of passion. Wait until you are calm, have time to
consider the implications, and can find a way to part without being mean.
Going through this list, it may be tempting to think see these problems in others but not recognize them as personal struggles. Start observing how you interact, if you can handle the feedback, ask others for their input. The most powerful place to initiate change is within.