With February being the month of love, it seemed fitting to look into what such an experience is all about. The Romantic tradition claimed that being “in love” was a disease. If I put on my “clinical” hat, they aren’t that far off. Looking just at the symptoms and behaviors, it suggests some kind of mental illness that causes significant functional impairment. For example, there are physical symptoms such as:
- Heart palpitations
- Sweating
- Nausea, butterflies in the stomach
- Difficulty concentrating
- Hypervigilance, waiting for the beloved to arrive
- Obsessive thoughts
- Inability to sleep
- Excitation
There are also disruptions in thoughts and behaviors
- Desiring constant union
- Day dreaming
- Overestimation- to the point of the grotesque or even delusion of the value of the beloved. Red flags and negative traits are often dismissed. Compare this to Bill Cosby’s reflection on his own marriage 20 years later: “Camille and I may be blinded by love, but we have Braille for each other’s flaws.”
- The rest of the world pales in comparison to the beloved. The other is so centrally important that we are thrown into a condition of need.
- There is an obsession about the other person. The way he talks, the way she walks, her smell….
With a concluding diagnosis, the physical response would most likely be labeled with an anxiety disorder; the cognitive and behavioral disruptions a combination of a manic episode and some delusional disorder. How romantic! In reality, we all know this “pathology” not only feels wonderful, it can be something we pine for.
However, it does need to be temporary. I know the message in our culture is that this swooning should last forever, with the “happily ever after” endings, but this is neither healthy nor realistic. If we stayed in this awe-struck state, we wouldn’t eat or sleep. We’d struggle to get anything done. Work would be just a hurdle we would resent, taking us away from time with our sweetheart, while children would have to fend for themselves.
At some point, we also have to face our lives. Our partner has been put up on a pedestal, and nothing penetrates the happy bubble. Consider Disney’s version of Cinderella. We are led to believe that after the ball she has found true love in those few short hours. I don’t deny that it was a wonderful evening. She got a gorgeous dress which fit perfectly and magically appeared, and her transportation was completely free. For Cinderella, the influence of the critical, abusive family was magically put on hold. For the Prince, his demanding job as political leader was suspended. And there was the glamour, the music, and the surroundings. Who wouldn’t be swept away! But after they have lived together for a while, how does Cinderella feel then? Prince Charming squeezes the toothpaste from the middle; leaves the toilet seat up, stinks after a long horse rides and slurps when he eats.
I’m not saying they can’t have love once the magic fades. It’s just that the relationship is going to change. The state of ignorant bliss comes to an end and the real kind of love has room to grow, for to truly love someone, you have to know them…. All of them! Love means caring enough to give real feedback, patience, and encouragement. It becomes about emotional safety, vulnerability, and connection, all essential elements for emotional health. There is nothing more wonderful than knowing that someone knows all your imperfections and loves you anyway. When this happens, a new kind of magic happens; we feel worthwhile, accepted, and important. We seem to be able to take on the world because no matter what, there is love. As 1 Corinthians 13: 1-3 says:
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angel, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
During this season of love, I hope you have more than glorified romance. Whether from your partner, your child, your neighbor, or your pet, I hope you find a source of enduring, deep love.