I want you all to know that I truly try to practice what I preach and implement the steps as often as I can. The personal benefits are noticeable- they have protected my heart from becoming hardened, I have not collapsed into despair, and there is a constant invitation to show up as my best self. I’m also pleased to see that others respond positively, either engaging around topics with less resentment or at least honoring boundaries when I know the path is harmful. That said, I had not anticipated how many times and in how many ways I would be tested. Every time something unfathomable happens, I keep telling myself, “Ooooh- another chance to GROW!” I’m not sure it is all that reassuring when spoken through gritted teeth. Oh, the joy of being really uncomfortable!
For the last month, there has been a chance to practice full ownership of how we approach stormy times, an invitation to face what is happening, encouragement to allow grief to surface while maintain perspective (see part III). Take stock of what was helpful. What supports cherished values, even if it was in an unexpected way? Where did you feel challenged? When did emotions signal something to investigate more deeply, signaled by fear, anger, or sadness?
We are now moving into the final foundations how to remain capable and resilient, building upon that which is already underway:
Learn to Tolerate Uncertainty
There is no question that it is important to focus on the things we can control and mitigate risk whenever possible. However, this only works to a point. Part of what we are facing is simply not knowing what the next moment might bring. This requires ways to center ourselves internally, so we can live with uncertainty and unpredictability rather than try to solve it. I find breath and mantras are invaluable allies. The breath allows me to step back from the emotional storm to find that quiet spot where wisdom lives. That can be the difference between reacting and choosing my response. A mantra might be, “for now”(when tempted to believe all is lost), “this is a phoenix moment” (to keep perspective), or “just do what I can” (when feeling overwhelmed).
Focus on Flexibility and Adaptability
Like water in a stream, one moment the path is clear and the next moment there is a fallen branch, a big boulder, or an adorable duck in the way. It’s time to be like water, taking a general direction while maintaining the ability to pivot. Experiment taking advantage of opportunities that emerge in the present moment. Remember to let go of too much investment in the outcome because the efforts may prove obsolete tomorrow. Then again, they may become invaluable resources!
Discern
To make wise decisions, it is imperative to have quality information. Start with primary sources (first-hand accounts, original documents, etc.) to ensure the facts have minimal distortion at play. Seek out experts in the field who have credentials and enduring experience to highlight the nuances, deeper meanings, and context. Make sure the individual has expertise in the topic (avoid generalizing). For example, Neil Degrass Tyson is a brilliant astrophysicist but that does not mean I want him giving me medical advice. Differentiate between fact and opinion. Most importantly, avoid places that twist the facts, propagate fear, or encourage hatred.
Thoughtful Action
One of the most powerful antidotes to hopelessness is response-ability. Use the heartbreak that comes from what is being lost to spur action to preserve, restore, or rebuild. Start with naming what precious/valuable thing has changed. Consider what factors brought it to life and what things have contributed to its end. In this moment, what actions can you that feel like part of the solution? It may be as simple as a change in mindset or tapping into resources and people who can join your cause. Do not wait for someone else to take up the charge- the heart is asking this to be a personal calling. Just imagine what might be possible through you!!
Be Loving
Just like a ship out at sea, we need a guiding star for navigation. There seems to be no greater star than love. Here I share an invitation: let love be at the core of values and intentions, influencing decisions and shaping relationships. Who has not wanted to be loved when struggling, failing, or wounded? If there are others causing you and others pain, this is especially important because unconditional love is not just loving when it is easy; it means loving when it is hard. ***Note that this does not mean enabling bad behavior. If someone is on a destructive path, love means addressing this in a way that goes to the heart of the matter, without blame and judgement. Perhaps this stormy time is not about being on the receiving end of love; perhaps true growth is about giving it to others when we are tempted to turn away.
Sow the Seeds of Well-Being
Practice self-care and acts of kindness. Something as simple as a smile, opening the door for someone, or helping meet a need can be moments of connection. Be on the lookout for positives whenever possible. Remember that in stormy times we will be drawn towards focusing on what is wrong. It will take intention to look for what is safe, loving, sweet, or beautiful. Surround yourself with people who will support your goodness. If all else fails, watch Kung Fu Panda or an adorable video of baby otters- I find these very helpful!
Closing
We are in uncertain times and will face more over the course of our lives. These hard chapters will reveal things we do not want to see, including the destruction of things we did not even know we could lose. Here is my hope for us all: let us face these realities with our heads up and our eyes open. May we stay clear of the temptation towards cynicism, certainty, resentment, and the desire to build walls. Instead, may we see the world with wise eyes where we recognize pain as necessities for growth and transformation. May we commit to intentionally, with deep desire, find new sources of gratitude, meaning, and hope. Dare to believe that we can play a part in reconstructing society and that we can build again.
“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”. -Pema Chodron (When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times)