I’m about to go into a lengthy metaphor, so bear with me. There is a time in a plant’s life when it is given special attention because it’s struggling. It starts with a dedicated look into overall health of both the plant itself and the environment, then it’s time to create and implement a plan of action. There may be places to prune because shoots or dead branches drain away energy it needs to grow. Sometimes it needs medicine to remove bugs or infection that create a battle for survival. Drastic changes may be required on occasion, like a relocation to a more hospitable location where there is enough sun, shade, good soil, and water to meet basic needs. During this process, nurturance is essential to ensure adequate attention and care is provided. I can’t think of a better metaphor for the role you and therapy can play in your life.
As mentioned in my last article, there is so much that can be done to make the most of this important process. Building on those ideas, here are a few more to consider:
DURING YOUR SESSION
Stay focused on you. Take advantage of the uninterrupted time you have with someone else who is dedicated to your wellbeing. Consider:
Are you the primary focus of the topic? One way people protect themselves from going into hard areas is to talk about other people and what they need to work on instead of focusing on themselves. This is especially true for couples because it is safer to focus on what one person thinks the other should change rather than doing the courageous, humbling work of looking within.
Is the time largely spent working on things or describing past conversations? It is tempting to go into great detail about a past interaction, yet this only results in living something twice. It robs you of the chance to work through whatever is at the crux of the issue. Unless asked for detailed information, stay focused on the meat of the matter.
Don’t miss the chance to experience of having a need met! Clients often talk about the pain of being misunderstood or feeling alone because no one listens. I check in to see what it is like to get the need met with me and many times they are surprised to realize that what they long for is happening during the session, in real time… and they’re missing it. Similarly, within moments, folks often express grief around how long they have gone without this connection. While this is understandable and there will be time to reflect later, the focus on the past steals away the chance to feel satisfied. I encourage you to savor! Hopefully it will be the start of more to come!
Experiment. Ideally, therapy is a place where it is safe to take risks. (If not, that is a whole different conversation). Bring in your sense of play, experimentation, and imagination. They are the core tools to venture beyond the familiar/habitual and create the potential for something new. There is no need to already have things figured out or to be a master when something is brand new. So be messy, make mistakes, and fail brilliantly! (I know I’m a great model for this.) If expectations for perfection are removed, who knows where your intuition will take you.
RIGHT AFTER YOUR SESSION
Allow time to ensure you’ve captured the important take-aways. In times when sessions are especially emotionally charged, short term memory largely goes offline and your ability to synthesize the information can be compromised. Writing down your thoughts will provide time to make sense of your experience and allow for further reflection throughout the week. And please, please, please don’t forget to enjoy successes!
THE ONGOING WORK
With those notes in hand, consider how you want to implement what has emerged. Therapy is usually an hour once a week or biweekly, while our entrenched views/behaviors can be practiced all the hours in between. This is when intentional focus is especially important. Some examples:
- Pay attention to a given pattern to understand when it emerges, its impacts, etc. Focus on understanding how it is helpful in your life. We do things because they either have or still have a purpose. Unless this need is identified and met in another way, change is simply unsustainable.
- Perhaps you encounter a new and novel perspective. Chew on it. Observe what impact this new view might have. Is it accurate? Is it helpful? Is it a good fit? Is it doable?
- Implement a skill.
- Read books, listen to podcasts, and talk to trusted others to deepen your understanding.
- Engaging in activities that further enhance self-care.
- All work and no play…. makes us crabby. Ensure there is time to work while also having balance with activities that feed you.
Back to the metaphor (last time, I promise). Make the most out of therapy by being both a gardener and a plant. As you learn what is needed and apply it regularly, health and strength are restored and the plant (you) can then grow into the best rose, daisy, shrub, or tree it is destined to be!