It’s time to get back to discussing strategies to use when we disagree with others and when the outcome of a discussion has huge implications. In part 1, we explored our position and why a topic matters to us. In part 2, core principles were introduced to promote openness and respect in the interaction. This last section is about the all-important conversation we’ve been working towards. The following are the specific steps to take, putting together all of the prep work.
- Ask them to identify their beliefs. It is important to be clear about the topic since the rest of the conversation requires mutual understanding of what is being discussed.
- Repeat their viewpoint and confirm understanding. One of the greatest diffusors in uncomfortable conversations is ensuring the other person feels heard. Provide frequent summaries and ask if you have it right. Do not move onto the next step until not only you know, but they know you know what they are trying to say. (Good luck making sense of that sentence!)
- Identify their definitions and use their terminology. It is a common assumption that because we speak the same language and use the same words, we are on the same page. You’d be surprised how often this is far from accurate. Double check!
- On a scale of 0-10, ask how confident they feel about their position . This has two primary benefits. First, it lets you know where you are starting from. Even if there is not total alignment by the end, any shift in thinking says this interaction has made a difference. Second, it helps them transition into the next stage, when there is a shift into the way they are thinking rather than what they are thinking. Called “metacognition, it is when we get out of the weeds of entrenched positions and look at things from an observer standpoint.
- Ask the other person to articulate their position. Ask the other person to name what they think, feel, and believe. Discover, often together, their true motivations and goals. Identify what makes them feel confident in their position. Explore vulnerable personal experiences that can turn a talking point into something specific and meaningful. If they offer several reasons, look for themes. Their reasons initially might look obvious but lack the deeper motivations that capture the degree of passion you see. If the emotional energy displayed and the reasons do not seem to match, continue digging. If they are using talking points or generalities, keep digging. Spend more time listening than speaking and go slow! As Wil Rogers’ stated, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
- Ask questions that encourage reflection, using the Socratic Method. Now that the position is clear, it’s time to test the quality of their methods for arriving at certainty on the issue. Many times, the person begins to move away from the black/white position and see the complexities that may not have been clear or well-articulated. The goal is to help the other person judge the quality of their reasoning process and encourage increasing levels of discernment. It is common for counterarguments to surface. When they find these perspectives through their own inquiries rather than having them stated by someone else, it avoids power-struggles. There is a great example of this in the first third of the show: Podcast You Are Not So Smart Episode 236
- Clarify, repeat, and connect to their values and needs. Much like step four, this is a way to let both of you know that your understanding matches what they were trying to say. Feel free, when appropriate, to share your experiences so they are not the only vulnerable person in the room. If they are not open to it, move to the final step.
- Re-evaluate where the person lies on the scale of 0-10 you asked in step four. That identifies any shift, even if there is not full agreement.
- Close with appreciation for their openness. Thank them for their time and try to part company in a way that is kind and warm.
No matter what the outcome, you have just engaged in the much-needed activity of meaningful conversation. You will not always get the change you hope for, but there is still value in this three-part process. Your efforts exercise critical thinking muscles, ensuring that positions are based on facts, expertise, values, and a clear understanding of the potential impacts (which our good intentions may not readily reveal). It creates room for external input, providing a safety against certainty and my-side biases. Most importantly, it allows room for disagreement without resorting to the all-too-easy seduction of labels that serve to break down relationships rather than build bridges. It is a foundational activity that helps a democracy thrive. Here’s to many rich conversations that inform, persuade, and inspire!