Emotionally charged discussions are uncomfortable, often because we are talking about what needs fixing rather than what is going well. Defensiveness is highly probable. It is very common that attempts are made to divert the discussion. When energy is spent on anything but the issue at hand, and therefore the status quo is maintained, the behavior is called a countermove.
Below is a list of common countermoves one might experience. It is important to prepare for them, based on experience, to know how to identify them and how to prevent them from being effective. Like constructing a building, facing issues requires careful planning. Time spent in this area will greatly simplify the conversation and the time spent on elements other than the issue at hand.
Bringing in another person
“Well ____________ thinks your being unreasonable too.” This is a way to suggest that numbers make a point seem more substantial. It is also a way to divert responsibility onto another so change either seems too broad or can be avoided altogether. I have found that third parties are often misrepresented in these instances and assumptions abound. To avoid this altogether, keep the conversation focused on the two of you. For example, “If someone else thinks there is a problem, I will talk directly with him/her. Right now, I’d like to address what is coming up between us.”
Hostile Withdrawing
Forms of this include the silent treatment, turning up the volume on the television, and leaving the room with a loud slam of the door. As in any interaction, you cannot force someone to talk to you but you can monitor ways you might reinforce their reaction. Typically, when there is no gain, the behavior subsides. A benefit for withdrawing, for example, could mean that if the “offending” party fears the response and does not bring up the issue again, the discussion has successfully been avoided. To address this tendency, label the behavior. “The last time I brought this up, you did not talk to me for two days.” Next, ask for help in finding a solution. “What needs to happen so we can talk about this?” When they are give input, they share part of the responsibility in making it happen. Of course, there are times when an individual refuses to cease the behavior, despite your efforts. In those instances, choose to live fully and minimize the impact their withdrawing has on you. The issue is still unresolved, but in the mean time, you do not have to be subjected to the unpleasant hostility.
“I was just joking. Lighten up!”
This is a way to deflect responsibility. In addition, it suggests that the person is foolish for having taken it to heart. In reality, the effect was distress rather than laughter. Meet this head on: “Whether or not that was your intention, it was hurtful.”
“I really don’t have time for this.”
No matter what the meaning is behind this sentence, ask them when they will have time. You’re giving them the message that this is not going to go away.
Rudeness
Everyone has the right to be angry, but they do not have the right to be hurtful. “I want to hear what is bothering you, yet I can’t listen when you put me down.” Name calling is a common form. The parties involved turn their focus to the insult, avoiding the issue altogether! It is easier to stop this in the beginning when you are still setting the tone. After time has past, you feel hurt and they have allowed themselves to treat you in a way that compromises mutual respect.
Bringing Up The Past
The conversation gets messy when the other person diverts attention from the present concern to a time when they had been hurt: “You think you were embarrassed by my comment last night? Now you know how I felt when you laughed at me in front of my friends!” “Don’t talk to me about coming home late when you did that all the time when we were first married!” When it comes to issues, more is certainly not better; more is overwhelming and chaotic. To prevent this from getting out of hand, acknowledge what was said, “It sounds like there are some other things we need to address.” Explain why you need to stay on topic, “I want to make sure we can get some resolution and not get overwhelmed with too many issues on the table.” Finally, demonstrate willingness to address their needs too, “I’ll be happy to talk about what you brought up.” The key is to stick to one topic at a time.
Creating a decisive plan to countermoves is time well spent. Your efforts will decrease the sense of vulnerability and therefore reactivity. You will be more concise, removing the potential that you will get side-tracked or speak in hurtful ways. Best of all, if you are able to successfully address these responses, you decrease the chance that the countermove will be used in the future (it didn’t work!). Although it may take some persistence, in time, you may change the entire way the two of you interact!