Forgiveness is a hot topic because so many times it has been used as pressure to move on. “It’s in the past- let it go.” I have chosen to dedicate the next few articles to this endeavor, not as a voice stating it as a requirement, but rather, to highlight just how challenging it can be and the steps involved. This entry will be about the person who has been wronged. The next few articles will offer information about what is required to hopefully be able to mend the rift we caused in a relationship. Please feel free to write comments that can help inform me about questions or reactions that you might have to these reflections.
For Those Who Want to Stop Living With the Heaviness of Being Hurt
It is so tempting to believe that there is some magic switch that will turn off pain and allow us to move forward. Not only is this far from any reality I’ve seen in over 20 years working with trauma, it also denies the potential growth and wisdom we can gain by going through the process of letting go. We cannot go back to who we were before the incident happened. To quote Anne Lammott, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.” But it also does not mean that we have to feel wounded for the rest of our lives. We are more than what happens to us and we retain the power to find peace of mind.
I have borrowed from all kinds of sources- personal experience, religious leaders, colleagues, and the generous vulnerability and openness of clients who dared to take this path, to come up with the following steps:
Step 1: Remember. Many people do not want to dwell on what happened because it is painful and uncomfortable. However, unless there is willingness to spend some time making sense of the experience, we remain blind to the harmful impacts that can continue long after the memory. We must dive in, taking an honest look at all the facets and context we could not have processed while in the eye of the storm. There are contributing factors, lies we swallowed, reasons behind our reactions, ways dignity was broken down, and meanings we adopted about ourselves and the world. Robert Schreiter states, “Suffering only becomes redemptive or ennobling when we struggle against these corroding powers and rebuild ourselves in spite of the pain we are experiencing.” p. 33-34.
Step 2: Identify the harm. Determine the ways the experience was detrimental either permanently or for the time being. Grief will be an intimate part of this process, because it acknowledges that some things can never be regained. A victim cannot will themselves to be without scars nor can innocence be restored. There might also be specific periods of times where opportunities passed us by. Or perhaps there have been important segments of life that were deleted (example: lost childhood, independence, or life skills)
Step 3: Find the silver linings. In many cases, we come out of struggle with greater understanding. There will be new information about yourself and those who are closest to you. Perhaps you saw some values that you had not noticed before or there may be strengths that had been dormant until then. How were you able to grow in spite/because of what happened? By exploring these factors, the situation is not just a tragedy- you found a way to empower yourself through it.
Step 4: Identify the lessons. Consider what information needs to be implemented for you to feel as safe and happy as possible. For example, what has this taught you about skills you need, information gaps, etc. Perhaps there are missing boundaries, or new appreciation for your intuition. Maybe there is difficulty seeing warning signs or being able to determine trustworthiness. The goal here is to determine how we can wisely interact with others in a way that provides protection from those who may harm but also does not keep us from taking risks and connecting.
Step 5: Implement. Insights serve little purpose if they do not turn into action. Take classes, talk to people you respect, do research, and gain confidence to take risks. During this time, it is important to remember that there will be a learning curve; you cannot be an expert without lots of opportunity to fall down. Be kind and remind yourself that every time you try, no matter the result, is a success.
I find it very helpful to touch base with your value system for the next steps. There is such a strong pull to be righteously angry that there have to be compelling reasons for doing something different. For me, I try to keep in mind that I want to live a life that allows me to enjoy the moment without a lot of baggage weighing me down. If I’ve done the work above, I’ve taken everything valuable I can from the experience. Further review only keeps me upset and stuck, not centered and healthy.
Step 6: Let go. Make a commitment to releasing the past. Intentionally engage in visuals and activities that suggest closure. For example- write a brief summary of what happened. Then create a ritual similar to a burial, where you burn the paper and say a prayer/poem about the life you are ready to embrace. You may also consider putting all the pain and hurt symbolically onto a leaf. Breathe the distress onto the leaf, then release it into a stream. Watch as the leaf floats away, allowing you to breathe in the smell of nature, life, and peace that is left behind. The Dali Llama encourages visualizing the distress of the incident then a positive state. Note how each one feels and ask which you would rather have in your life. There is then a promise made to yourself: “Whatever befalls me, I shall not allow it to disturb my mental joy.
Step 7: Focus on the present. The past is over. Bring yourself back into the present, hopefully with delightful enticements. Enjoy little things, play, work, make love, get dirty, feel, and make new memories. If old thoughts and images return, acknowledge it happened and gently resume focus on the here and now. If that is ineffective, deliberately distract yourself. Over time, the pull of the incident will lesson because mental, emotional and energetic resources are no longer feeding it.
Step 8: Feel compassion. Finally, cease to see the person who harmed you in a depersonalized way. He or she is a flawed human being, like the rest of us. Since you are not responsible for making them change, you can release them from your grasp (and therefore any hold s/he had over you). This does not mean condoning what they did- it is ceasing to be saddled with resentment. Wish them the same happiness you hold for any living being and let a sense of compassion grow in your heart.
As you go through the various stages, please remember that each journey is unique. Some steps will take little time while others may be tool you use from this point forward. As long as you continue to maintain dedicated effort, things will change. In the end, you will have given yourself a great gift- peace.
References:
- Blair, C. (Found 9/1/15) The Practice of Forgiveness. Found at: http://newchurch.org/get-answers/connection-magazine/forgiveness/the-practice-of-forgiveness/?gclid=CjwKEAjw1MSvBRDj2IyP-o7PygsSJAC_6zodKEs8IyzRdO5bYdE3C85X9otkr6Z-Gjf5saq7TUi5thoC2JXw_wcB
- Chodoron, P. (2002) The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times. Boston, MA: Shambhala.
- Dalai Lama (1997) Healing Anger: The Power of Patience From a Buddhist Perspective. Ithaca, NY: Snow Lion Publications.