It’s been a hard couple of weeks talking with multiple people dealing with painful hardships that have no answers or perceived end in sight. The situation is bad enough in and of itself, but adding a lack of information makes it unbearable. For example, an undiagnosed medical concern or perhaps an unstable loved one who has not responded for days. Maybe there is a long-buried memory starting to surface but details remain out of reach. There is no way to plan, no action to take, and therefore, no sense of control. All there is to do is wait and endure.
It is in these moments that supportive people play a vital role. The problem is that so few people know how to do it well. As I observed my own reactions in several situations and the impulses I had to squelch, I began to sense why this is so hard and how easy it would be to put my foot in my mouth leaving the hurting person feeling misunderstood and alone. So what are some of the key components of being trustworthy and supportive enough to have the privilege of being part of someone’s journey? How do we show up well so we are helpful instead of making things worse?
- The most important job is to manage our own emotions so we can keep the focus on the person in pain. It requires us to tolerate an aching heart as we watch another human being suffer. While we can engage, share about things happening in our lives so the relationship does not become solely about struggle, our reactions to the situation can add more to what the other is already dealing with. . Find someone else to talk to while being mindful about maintaining confidences and privacy.
- Accept that there is nothing you can do to make the situation change. It just sucks. Every time you want to offer advice, share an anecdote, or try to distract, take a deep breath instead and resist the temptation to try to fix things.
- Exercise every ounce of patience. Limbo is riddled with worry and it will take a toll. Even the most skilled person will be living with a heavy cloak of dread that can only be managed, not eliminated. This person you care about might become surly, reactive, or down. Try not to take it personally; it’s the situation, not you.
- Let their feelings have room to be expressed. Hand out tissues, get fluffy socks, see the truth in their perspective, and validate. I can’t say enough about the therapeutic impact of being heard. It is a rare gift to not have to measure words but pour them out, knowing that the caring ear is strong enough to handle whatever comes to the surface.
- Stay the course. Suspend expectations of what the journey should look like or how long it will take to deal with it. Pain is already isolating. Choosing to hang in there is an unmeasurable gift that will have long reaching impacts you can’t even imagine. One client said to me, “If it weren’t for her, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”
There are very few times in our lives when we will be called to be our best selves and this is one of them. We will be tested, tempted to take the easy road of verbal pats on the head that feel nothing more than patronizing. But if we can choose to be more: more understanding, more patient, and as self-less as possible, we become one of the lights that gets our loved one through dark times.