I don’t think it is any great mystery that a major factor in a healthy relationship is good communication. What is not typically emphasized is that what we don’t say can be just as important as what comes out of our mouths. A messy, escalated conversation where we have a verbal vomit is the equivalent of being a bulldozer. At best, the other person has to sift through the delivery to find the core message without becoming escalated in the process (very rare). Other times, words may be spoken that can never be taken back, including “we’re done!”
If we want to truly be heard and talk through issues, we have to be in a frame of mind that allows us to show up as the best self we can be for this tough conversation. You say more about your values not when it is easy, but when it is hard. We must avoid being drunk on indignation and instead step back to plan a clear, respectful approach. An old wisdom states, “Failing to plan is planning to fail.”
The first step in this effort, is to identify if we are escalated. This is the time we are going to be the most irrational, closed off, and hostile. This greatly compromises our ability to be kind let alone skillful. Usually we just want to run away, shut down, or put the other person in a choke hold.
Here are some warning signs that you are compromised:
Physical Changes
Shaking, rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, and high levels of tension are absolute signs that we are no longer in a place to talk. In my case, this level of upset is when I start snorting and look a lot like a bull about to charge. I imagine it is hilarious to an onlooker, but for the other party, it is a horrifying moment of being hunted by someone insane. From a cognitive standpoint, they’re not wrong. In such a state, our brains are all about protection. Now in fight or flight, abstract thinking, problem solving, and even short term memory are turned off because they only distract from what it will take to survive. Any information that is benign does not even register. Details that make up the context of a situation are dismissed, removing any chance for balanced perspective.
In addition, the person who prompted strong feelings has become an enemy. Labeled as dangerous, our solutions become extreme. Sometimes a person will threaten to end the entire relationship because there is no ability to see any other way through the struggle. Other times, actions will be taken to hurt the other person. As I mentioned in a previous article on hurt that justifies harm, empathy is gone. This is a dangerous time because it is possible to be cruel without even twinges of guilt
“This can’t wait!!!!”
The need to address the situation immediately, whether the other person is in a state of mind to engage, is a recipe for trouble. It has good intentions, wanting to alleviate the fear, hurt or anger causing the relationship rift, however, pressure leads to pursuit, pursuit leads to feeling trapped, and feeling trapped leads to panic. I have yet to see anyone respond with wisdom in such times.
“How dare he!”
This reeks of righteous indignation, a belief that we have sole ownership of the truth. The approach is that of a lawyer, engaging in a debate with the intention to win. As a wise colleague once told me, “You can either be right or you can have a relationship.” There may be times one or both parties are wrong. There may be times we are being given an opportunity to grown with a good dose of humility. But it won’t happen if it means enduring humiliation or being talked down to. In those instances, we will come out with guns a ’blazing.
To avoid all of these pitfalls, the solution is deceptively easy. Don’t engage. Focus instead on how to remove yourself from the situation, release the pent up energy in safe ways and get clear about what is upsetting you. Eventually, the intensity will pass and it will be possible to become centered, approachable, and intentional about how to address the situation. You will come from a position of empowerment rather than impulsivity. It might be hard because it is sooooo tempting to act in the moment. However, if you can find a way to take a time out, you get to spend the time taking care of yourself and becoming your best self. This is much better than spending much longer apologizing and being weighed down with regret. In addition, trust develops. You will have demonstrated that you are safe, because even when there is a problem, they know you will still be able to respond with respect and dignity.
The main factor behind success is self-control.
Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset. – Anonymous.
What lies in our power to do, it lies within our power not to do. – Aristotle
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves a thousand moments of regret. –Anonymous
A strong person is not the person who overpowers his adversaries to the ground but a strong person is the one who contains himself when he is angry. – Prophet Muhammad
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept stupid people the way they are, courage to maintain my self-control and wisdom to know that if I act on it, I will go to jail. –DespicableMnions.org
___________________________
References
Real, T. (2008). The new rules of marriage: What you need to know to make love work. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.
http://changingminds.org/explanations/brain/fight_flight.htm