https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201609/when-is-it-emotional-abuse?eml
This article seems well-timed after post on different kinds of trauma. As Chloe Dykstra’s courageous disclosure explains, emotional abuse is an insidious process where an abuser works methodically to break down a person’s resources and replace it with their malignant agenda of control. Sometimes we can readily identify such a person (like a critical, authoritarian boss) but many times, the caustic efforts are subtle or gradual. As the gas lighting continues, Dykstra highlights what changes occur: she no longer knew up from down and no friends were left as a reference point or to help her navigate through the abuse. Somehow, she was lucky enough to find a way out before her spirit was annihilated.
While she talks about what such a relationship is like after three years, there are a few red flags that can warn you before the relationship has started to take hold. This is not intended to blame anyone who has gone through such an experience. It is through these stories that we have begun to identify patterns that can serve as invaluable information for others.
Intuition is our greatest ally
Intuition is the internal mechanism that provides protection from danger. You might not always know exactly why you feel uneasy, but this resource picks up on subtleties that are often below our conscious detection. There might be “weird” energy, a unnerving smile that does not reach the eyes, hints at underlying anger, and body language, to name a few. Our culture tends to value friendliness and trust so this conditioning can often dismiss what our intuition senses. This is to our detriment. It is always wise to heed these warnings, even if you do not yet know the reason(s).
Charm should not be an adjective but a verb.
According to an expert on violence in many forms, de Becker writes, “Charm is almost always a direct instrument, which, like rapport building, has motive. To charm is to compel, to control by allure or attraction… If you consciously tell yourself, “This person is trying to charm me,” as opposed to “This person is charming,” you’ll be able to see around it. Most often, when you see what’s behind charm, it won’t be sinister, but other times you’ll be glad you looked.” (p. 58, 1997)
The only good kind of control is self-control
There are many instances when someone believes that their opinions are “more valid” than your own. It is suggested that your judgment is questionable so their wisdom and opinion should be accepted without resistance. Should there be a challenge, it is deemed disrespectful and intolerable. Clearly, this is not the kind of environment where two people can exchange ideas, negotiate, or even have differences. It’s one way or no way. Using interruptions, ignoring external input, changing the subject, or relentless persistence, these tactics serve to wear you down until you agree simply to get the conversation over with or stop speaking up. While these conversations are exasperating in and of themselves, over time they erode your grip on reality and compromise your sense of who you are.
Ignoring the word “no”
De Becker warns that when someone refuses to hear the word ‘no’, a boundary is being ignored. “No” is a word that sends out a message regarding what you feel comfortable with and what is a push beyond what feels wise or safe. “It is a word that must never be negotiated because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you.” He goes on to state, “With strangers, even those with the best intentions, never, ever relent on the issue of ‘no’ because it sets the stage for more efforts to control. If you let someone talk you out of the word ‘no’, you might as well wear a sign that reads, “You are in charge.” (1997, p. 64)
These are just a few of the many tactics abusers use. Should you wonder if you are in such an abusive relationship, there is a link below that can provide you with a list of symptoms to see if this applies to your situation or simply further informs you about what to look for. We all have challenges in relationships, but we have the right to be have our individuality respected and our dignity kept intact.
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Resources:
DeBecker, G. (1997). The Gift of fear. New York, NY: Random House, Inc.
Forward, S. (1997) Emotional blackmail. New York, NY: Harper Collins Publishers
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why does he do that? New York, NY: Berkley Books.
Mathews, A. (6/20/18). When is it emotional abuse? Psychology Today [Online]. Available: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201609/when-is-it-emotional-abuse?eml
Power and control wheel of emotional abuse: https://runningthroughtears.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/power_and_control_wheel_large.gif
