Hopefully previous articles have clarified that core beliefs about esteem are very stable but are also not set in stone. To be able to make changes, a lot of intention will be required, where every day you are practicing new habits that challenge self-deprecation and reinforce that you are a valuable human being. Laughter, fun, interesting challenges, friendships, a loving pet, etc. all make a difference. Every effort leads toward a masterpiece of self-esteem.
Let’s continue now by looking at the people you hang around with. This can be both exciting and unnerving because it means taking an honest look at the kind of company you keep and the situations you find yourself in. People can do amazing things wherever they are, but it’s much easier to succeed where you are encouraged instead of resisted or sabotaged. Von Goethe explains, “If you treat an individual as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.” With that in mind, let’s build a healthy support system!
What quality of friends you would like to have in your life? Be careful- people with low self-esteem frequently choose those of poor quality because they believe it is all they deserve. If you are prone to such a tendency, ask yourself what kind of support you would want for someone you love, and then gift yourself those same guidelines. Now I’m not saying that every single person you meet has to win a friendship award but there are some qualities that are important. I can’t tell you what those will be since you will have your own value systems, needs, cultural norms, etc. What I can offer are a few qualities I have found invaluable:
- Emotional safety- you cannot be vulnerable or take risks when there is someone anxiously waiting to point out flaws and criticize. According to Brene Brown, these responses are nothing more than weapons that not only keep vulnerability at a distance and harm the other person when most exposed. (Daring Greatly, p. 167)
- Loyalty- when things get tough between you, there is no threat of bailing at the first sign of trouble. Conflict is inevitable when two different, genuine people try to connect. Instead of constantly worrying that abandonment is just one argument away, you have faith that the two of you can work through the bumps in the road.
- Maintains confidences (unless there is a safety concern).
- Find a cheerleader who celebrates successes and encourages you to keep trying when the road is challenging. There is no expectation of perfection; only warmth and understanding when you fall down. For those that bring you down, don’t waste any more energy on them. As Brene also said on p. 171, “You’re not the jackass whisperer!”
- Sharing is reciprocal. It doesn’t feel good to always be the listener, nor does is it fun to be the only vulnerable one in the room. Sharing will make you both feel like you have something to offer each other. At the same time, there are not efforts to kidnap the conversation and take the spotlight. “You think you had a bad day; listen to this!” I have seen more opportunities to connect ruined with “now me!” Instead, this friend knows when to just be in the thick of it with you, and when an anecdote will help you feel less alone.
- There is openness. S/he asks questions, explores the importance in your perspective, and considers what is valid about it rather than trying to poke holes in it. The people who are best at this are the ones who have a healthy sense of self and realize that there are no Truths; just viewpoints. What is good for one may not be good for another, so dialogue can help find gems of commonality.
- There is willingness to be honest but gentle. A religious sage once said that honesty without kindness is cruelty. I couldn’t agree more!
Friends have major influence over your self-esteem, either cutting you down or building you up. Special care must be taken to sift out the former and ensure quality in the relationships you choose. Hopefully the ideas above get you thinking about a criteria that will help you find keepers! Be patient, because you have to first believe that this is a pursuit that you are worthy of. Then there must be time to develop steps to find what you want instead of what you are settling for. Most of all, people who fit your version of what is valuable and meaningful will take time. They are rare treasures that are not easily found or replaced but are worth every bit of effort.
“As we grow up, we realize it is less important to have lots of friends, and more important to have real ones.” – Anonymous