Now that we’ve gotten to know our inner-critic better, the following suggestions are ways to take this important step towards self-directed kindness:
Stop blindly believing in the scarcity model. There is enough love to go around. And it is not because of what we do or how we serve others, it is just because we exist. Refuse to ever allow your worth to be up for debate. Life will bring a myriad of challenges and joys, but that is what you experience, learn from, and deal with. It is never about your deeper character or heart. Here are a few suggestions that might help:
- When something discouraging happens, stick to the facts only. So often, we follow up on those observations with interpretations, often including statements about our worth. “I missed the meeting this morning” therefore “I’m a mess and can’t be relied upon for anything.” Instead, “I missed the meeting- I need to apologize to the presenter for my absence and find out how I can get the information that I missed.”
- Someone who is intelligent and thoughtful will be able to learn without having to be severely punished. Do not buy into the common belief that the level of suffering will determine the motivation to overcome this issue. (Some people do need consequences, but that is when they are stuck in unhealthy patterns and have no motivation to change because they are often rescued by well-intended loved ones.) This is nonsense. If a mistake is made; learn from it, make amends, take precautions to prevent it again, and then move on.
- Self-esteem can never last from achievement. You will only be as good as your last success (short-lived). Find out what you value in a person and do your best to live in a like manner.
- Find whatever ruler you’ve been using to judge yourself and then determine how you can change it into passions, goals, and experiences. Refuse to compete with expectations that have the underlying agenda where you feel pressure to measure up.
Practice Compassion. Remember that in difficult times, the last thing we need to hear is some kind of verbal salt poured into the wound. Instead, it’s time for tenderness, understanding, and encouragement. Most of us are doing the best we can with what we have. Have a little faith that you are trying your best, and no matter the outcome, it always gives valuable information about what to do next.
- Every time you behave in ways that seem counterproductive, see this as a lack of awareness about choices, doing what has been modeled, or a deficiency in skills. By looking more at the factors rather than responding out of fear and blame, we can be more accepting of our experience.
- Truly seek to understand what is behind a given thought, feeling or behavior with openness. Even when our experiences are colored with highly charged emotions, there is still important information to be gleaned.
- Consider how this might change your experience if you found some daily way to affirm: “A friend is a fellow who knows all about you, but likes you.” 10-year-old boy.
- Remember, we are all bundles of barely contained messes. When you make a mistake, know you are in good company.
Be responsible without the ugly practice of blaming. The latter is mean, pointing out the problem with a proverbial finger and an accusation. The former is about ownership and the power to seek out solutions.
It happens all the time in heaven, and someday it will begin to happen again on earth- that men and women… who give each other Light, often will get down on their knees and with tears in their eyes, will sincerely speak, saying, “My dear, how can I be more loving to you; how can I be more kind?” Hafiz p. 239