A fascinating study was recently released that highlighted how the psychopath’s brain is wired in an unusual way. Where most of us have the ability to care and feel concern for a fellow human being, the psychopath lacks mirror neurons which control the ability to experience empathy http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-23431793. For most of us, this is hard to even conceive since empathy is such a normal part of our experience. But for these types of people, they have to fake it. They study human behavior much like expert poker players, learning what “tells” to provide at a given time to create the desired effect. They have neither desire nor internal need for connection, so others only serve as objects to use or manipulate.
Those who deal with such a person are often left bewildered and devastated. They cannot reconcile how someone can be so charming and attentive, and then capable of incredible cruelty. The reality is, without empathy, there is no distress when something inappropriate occurs; there is no internal warning that lets the individual know that the behavior is wrong. Unencumbered by guilt or remorse, only the threat of getting caught stands in their way.
Although only one to two percent of the population has this disorder, don’t get to comfortable thinking that this is only a trait of evil people. We all have the capacity to be selfish or to act even though we know it is wrong. Let’s identify our darker side so we can evade such ugliness.
Entitlement– there is nothing attractive about demanding especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance. The intention, effort or sacrifice are irrelevant; people are expected to fill the need. Appreciation is minimal because it is expected that this would be provided. However, fall short and the entitled person will be disappointed and have minimal gratitude for what was provided. Consider the film Christmas Story where Ralphie’s horde of gifts was just “ok” until dad produced that Red Rider BB gun. I heard another example just today. Someone came home early and made his spouse’s favorite meal. Her only response was, “the meat is dry.” In times when the entitlement is really strong; the belief is, “I’ve been wronged.” There is no personal accountability, only blame and self-pity. It is then all too easy to want to punish the person for the pain they have “inflicted”. The foundation has been laid where justification can flourish.
Justification– before harm can be done; a person must go through intellectual gymnastics to rationalize the action into something righteous. Empathy and compassion are put on hold and the perceived moral high ground takes over. Incredible acts of cruelty have been done because of this- from large horrors like genocide (they are polluting society), to smaller offenses like sharing secrets. As Gandhi said, “an eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” We must always be concerned when we are willing to treat others in ways we would find hurtful, offensive, or callous if inflicted on ourselves.
Discounting boundaries– we all have the right to advocate for ourselves, saying no when something is too much, unsafe, or violates values. However, there are times when people still push, focused more on what they want even if it is at the expense of the other’s personal rights. For example, a young child is told to greet his grandmother with a hug and kiss. He acts shy and tries to hide behind his parent. If the child’s boundaries are honored, the parent would allow the child time to warm up to grandmother and determine if and when he wants to share his affection. Unfortunately, the child is usually scolded for being silly and pressured to do what he is told. In that small moment, the little boy has learned that he does not have the right to determine what happens to his body. Mom and dad showed him that it is more important to fake intimacy than be safe. Gavin DeBecker states that ignoring people’s boundaries is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it. (1997, p. 64)
Mandated Trust/Respect– there is no role or title that bestows trust or respect. “…because I’m your mother.” “Don’t you dare hold back from me! Couples are supposed to share everything.” These qualities cannot be granted and still retain meaning. Instead, they must develop over time. In various situations a person must demonstrate integrity, reliability, and self-control. This is an important process, because increased trust usually promotes greater vulnerability and influence. People who tend to be trustworthy do not have to rush the processes; they know it will come. Those who still try to force this are ultimately hurting themselves because demands do anything but foster respect. Instead, the person is put into the position to either blindly comply, comply while feeling resentment, or lie.
And we ourselves are most likely guilty of these tendencies. Consider the parent who brutally attacks his child’s ego because he is afraid, “Don’t be such a baby!” Or perhaps it is an insecure person covering her jealousy by pointing out the threatening person’s faults. Look at any website where comments are allowed and you will see breathtakingly mean attacks, thanks to anonymity.
We must work against these seductive, yet hurtful behaviors that leave our minds closed and our path strewn with destroyed relationships. The best answer is to become conscious of these tendencies, so we can choose to be better than our reactions:
- What are my expectations? Are they reasonable or beyond reach?
- Is there any judgment that could be clouding my perspective?
- What is my part in this?
- How am I trying to get what I want? Am I manipulating by using fear, obligation, or guilt?
- How do I perceive the other person? If I spoke my thoughts out loud, how would the other person feel?
- What is the other person’s vantage point? What does s/he see that I don’t?
- How might humility and gratitude be applied?
Here’s hoping that through our efforts to be wise, we also make a world that is kind.
“A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, The one I feed the most.”
― George Bernard Shaw