Self-esteem is often mistaken as a description of the actual person. In reality, it is merely the lens through which the world and existence is interpreted. These imposed meanings then direct beliefs, emotions and behaviors. The result is a self-fulfilling prophecy that ignores large chunks of the moment. Information that does not fit the lens is dismissed so nothing contradicts and no alternatives are within reach.
In a way, the circumstances around the earthquake in Haiti provide a parallel. The people on this island are dealing with destroyed cities, devastated infrastructures, death and injury. These are facts. Amidst the tragedy, Pat Robertson introduced a lens; he suggested that this was an act of God meant to punish the citizens for their sins. The natural disaster (which is horrible enough) has now been turned into a public shaming where survivors are blamed for the death of their loved ones.
How do we introduce these same lenses to ourselves? If I have an “I do the best I can” lens, then mistakes will be learning opportunities, and disapproval will be seen as merely perspective. If the lens says, “I am worthless, I am stupid, or I am unlovable,” then our own messages are as cruel and merciless as Pat Robertson’s statement.
The good news is there are ways to soften the impacts of these self-evaluations!
Context
Looking at a situation from different angles allows the impacts from underlying motivations, conditioning, and mental health factors to be revealed. After fifteen plus years in the field, I have always been able to make sense of a behavior, once I have had a chance to see the situation from the other’s point of view.
Acceptance
I have heard many people resist introspection out of fear of what they might find. Until we are able to take a look at what exists, there is little to work with. Instead, I am living in a fantasy or in a state of denial. Acknowledging what already is provides a chance to embrace what is life-enhancing and work to change elements that are problematic.
Compassion
When it comes to self-esteem, compassion usually requires the golden-rule to be reversed- “do unto yourself as you would do unto others.” Those with low self-esteem often comfort those who have made a mistake or simply listen to the pain when hardship emerges. Then, when personal suffering arises, they respond in punitive, harsh ways. Imagine how different it would be if you could be your own cherished friend!
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes you.” – A ten year old boy