When we are struggling it’s not uncommon to feel frustrated that things seem out of our control and uncomfortable. It feels personal- things are happening to me, as if on purpose, rather than a part of life’s up and downs. We don’t like feeling impotent; we want to be able to take the pain away. But in situations like suffering, that is not a choice we have. The only choice we have is determining in what way we will endure. If we continue to focus on our sense of persecution, the frustration will grow into anger, and overtime, the emotion moves from a transient state into a hardened perspective.
A change begins to occur as the anger takes hold. First, there is an unconscious tendency to validate the feeling (rather than contradict it) so our attention is drawn towards anything that is “off.” A certain tone of voice will be instantly labeled as disrespectful. A look from a stranger will be interpreted as a glare. Even accidents will be seen as a wrong; attributed to stupidity or callousness. Someone might be outside where the sun is shining, a bird is gently chirping, and flowers are putting sweet scents into the air. Yet someone in this state will only notice the bag of trash blowing by. The world seems hostile, even cruel.
As time passes, the anger can eventually become so familiar, so comfortable, it develops into habit. Pain is replayed over and over with bitter satisfaction. To the angry person, this is perceived as a way to stay alert and cautious “so I won’t be hurt again!” But this is not a true salve. It is really an affliction that creates distance and indignation. It is nothing more than repeatedly pulling the scab off a wound.
To ensure that anger remains helpful, it must be approached with respectful caution. It is helpful when it can be informative, clarifying underlying beliefs or highlighting important issues to stand up for. It is helpful when it encourages action that promotes needed change to bring about healthy balance. It becomes something darker when it is as familiar as an old pair of socks, leading to discontentment and hostility.
Healthy Anger |
Toxic Anger |
| Helps me be more realistic, wise, or empowered (teaches) | Helps me feel righteous, wronged, or victimized (justifies) |
| Helps me speak up when something is important to me. It is done in a way that engenders mutual respect and collaboration. | Helps me justify blaming, labeling, threatening, ridiculing, lecturing, or moralizing. |
| Encourages personal responsibility | Holds other people responsible for how I feel |
| Helps me move through my feelings. It is transient. | Strengthens the feelings and keeps me stuck. It becomes a state of being. |
| Promotes healthier relationships | Promotes distance, resentment, and fear (You just don’t understand what I’m going through!) |
They key to getting through difficult situations without toxic anger is to remain committed to growth. Every situation can teach; every trial can develop strength. A man who did years of intense emotional, spiritual, and psychological work once told me, “I wouldn’t wish my journey on my worst enemy, but I wouldn’t give it up for the world.” Even in the darkest hours, there is some way our spirit can be blessed with greater depth, strength, and character. Hold on to this hope. Seek it out and surround yourself with support so you do not have to depend solely on your own abilities (or weaknesses).
Also, remain active; do not let anger passively enter your life. Work with it, learn from it, and then do the courageous work of letting it go. To help:
- Do I have toxic anger in my life? What is my greatest obstacle to overcoming that which is unhealthy?
- What are the behaviors that often come from my anger? What would I like them to be?
- I won’t have as much trouble with anger if I practiced…
- An area I commit to working on is…..