As I have explored the various elements that make forgiveness so difficult to attain, it became apparent that those who hold onto their anger and resentment can easily slip into cruel retaliation. We want justice, not necessarily through due process but through our own version of what that should look like. Holy wars and generational family feuds are dramatic examples. But how might this play out in our everyday lives? We want to believe that good and evil are opposites, but it appears that in many cases the separating lines blur.
It all resides with our justifications. Most of us want to believe that we are good people so we go through a series of mental gymnastics to make an action that is normally reprehensible seem righteous. According to Joseph Campbell (1998), once the mental effort is complete, it only gets easier to be cruel again because all of the angst working against the action will have already been cleared away. At this point, behaviors not only become more frequent, they also become more damaging. And being caught does not mean we will see the light. More commonly, a breathtaking array of defensiveness and bullheadedness emerges that refuses to accept responsibility, no matter the reason or evidence.
So what are these mental gymnastics that drive inappropriate reactions to wrongdoing? I have chosen the five I see on a daily basis:
Dehumanization
A very easy tendency to elevate ourselves by putting others down. It is as if there is only so much respect, beauty, or love to go around so we compete to ensure we end up on top. Of course, the more we exaggerate differences, the easier it is to see the other as subhuman. Once this occurs, the empathy switch is turned off and people can engage in cruelty without even twinges of guilt. Fascinatingly, our cruelty does not affect our favorable views of ourselves. In fact, Koehn states, we even go as far as to believe those we hurt should hold us in high esteem!
By degrading our fellow human beings, we hope to make ourselves more loveable. We convince ourselves that the very people whom we despise should love us more. Since we are smarter or lovelier than they are, we are more deserving of esteem and affection. Our self-elevation makes us appear even more worthy of everyone’s esteem, including the respect of people whom we feel entitled to victimize because they are not worthy to live. (2005, p. 71).
How can the situation be addressed if there is this level of delusion? A common example is when you angrily mandate respect and obedience from your child, while yelling and pointing in your child’s face. Or the pot calling the kettle black when you say, “those Christians are so judgmental.”
Power Hungry
Power and control are complimentary motives that come from a basic belief that we should get what we want. We don’t care that others may disagree, or have different needs. Since our satisfaction is all that matters, if they speak up, they are ignored or belittled. Meanwhile, we try to gain cooperation through persuasion. If this does not work, there is always the backup plan- overt or covert aggression. Of course, before we employ this strategy, we cannot see the other as an equal we love or respect so we promptly shut down empathy and use the rational of “survival of the fittest”. Every day examples: giving the silent treatment until the other person apologizes, or bad-mouthing your ex to the kids to ensure that their lack of respect punishes him/her for what he/she did to ruin the marriage.
Entitlement
This is the belief that the world owes us something. Whether it is due to wealth, ethnicity, level of popularity, or some other trait, the idea is because we exist in such a certain way, we deserve whatever we want. Earning something is not a requirement; it is assumed it will occur. Of course, we do not even consider the fact few others will agree to cater to our every whim. Instead, when our expectations are not met, we feel denied. Koehn states, “Frustrated by the world’s indifference, we revenge ourselves upon the world.” (2005, p. 66) Common examples: making a scene at the dinner table because the meat was not cooked to your liking, or spanking your child because you hurt your foot on one of the toys he did not put away. It never occurs to you that being messy is normal at this age. **When I wrote this, I realized I wrote everything in the third person. Talk about not wanting to identify with this quality!
Lack of Accountability
Our selfishness is largely held in check by embarrassment and the consequences we might face if caught. But what happens when no one is watching? Do we hold fast to our scruples or does anything go? According to numerous studies, it is the latter. Years ago, social psychologist Alfred Bandura found that as personal responsibility lessened, there was a marked increase in the tendency to dehumanize others and engage in aggression. Others have also found that we are more likely to act impulsively than use critical thinking. In all of us, once we do not have to care about the impacts, we can act with indifference and amorality. (Konnikova, 2013) Common forms: stealing office supplies without guilt because the company does not pay you enough anyway, road rage, and making slurs to someone who has an opposing opinion on the internet.
Fanaticism
This is the extreme form of certainty, when we insist that we know what is right, good, and just. Because it is often fueled by a belief that our “truth” is in line with the will of the divine, there is a sense of duty to impose it on others. Opposition is dismissed as ridiculous because we believe our views are universal and morally superior. For example, you believe your child is well-behaved so you have the right to tell another parent what s/he is doing wrong. Or telling someone they are going to hell because they are acting in a way that goes against your beliefs. “Ex: God hates fags.”
I warn you- it will be tempting to point the finger and see these tendencies in other people. However, real change only occurs when we are willing to look within. Although uncomfortable, it is of vital importance that we realize it is not a matter of “if” but “when” we will become afflicted. Also, consider if your thoughts, feelings, and behavior help or just continue the cycle of harm. Gandhi said it best, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”
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Resources
Koehn, D. (2005). The Dark Nature of Evil. New York, NY: Palgrave Macmillan.
Schreiter, R. J. (2003). Reconciliation: Mission and Ministry in a Changing Social Order. Maryknoll, NY: Orbis Books.
Aronson, E. (1992). Social animal (6th Ed.) W.H. Freeman and Company. New York, NY
Johnson, Norman A, Randolph B Cooper, and Wynne W Chin. 2009. “Anger and Flaming in Computermediated Negotiation Among Strangers.” Decis. Support Syst. 46 (3) (February): 660–672. doi:10.1016/j.dss.2008.10.008
Konner & Perlmutter. (Producers), & Pappas, R. K. (Director). (1988). The Power of Myth [Motion Picture]. United States: Wellspring.
Konnikova, M. (OCTOBER 23, 2013). The Psychology of Online Comments. In The New Yorker [On-line], Available: http://www.newyorker.com/tech/elements/the-psychology-of-online-comments.