We would be remiss to work on radical acceptance without touching on a major way we can value ourselves. As of yet, I have not encountered a person struggling with low self-esteem who has not been working diligently to deny or minimize their experience. Most of us have been taught to listen to others, but not ourselves. Instead, we are barraged with thoughts that are cruel and dismissive. Imagine saying this to a person you love: “Stop whining.” “Get over it.” “You’re being so weak.” My heart breaks when I think of the hurt and anguish that would come from such an interaction. When the heart is most open, all that comes back is a judgment and the lesson that honest vulnerability is not safe or even wanted. If such an exchange could have such a powerful message about the other person’s worth, imagine the internal mess that surfaces when those are the messages we give ourselves. Who will listen if you won’t? How can one feel loved or important when there are constant forms of being shut down?
The fact is emotions are invaluable! They give us clues about ourselves in so many ways. They provide information, letting us know what actions to take that will ensure needs and wants get addressed. They let us know what is important to us. Like lights on the dashboard, emotions indicate when something should be paid attention to. The emotional world is also home to intuition, the wisdom that surfaces even when rational data is inadequate. Put together, these components create a sense of self and can even be a driving force behind purpose and meaning.
It’s time to begin tenderly listen. Taking time to honor our internal world is a radical message to ourselves that we are important and have a valuable voice. This act alone can be an amazing way to undo aversive messages of a lifetime. We may have thought we were in some ways protecting ourselves by closing our hearts. Now, for the sake of self-love, we are taking a stand and refusing to shut ourselves out.
Tuning In
This may be new, so I’d like to introduce you to some ways to come in touch with emotions. Sometimes the feelings will be obvious, but when they are jumbled or subtle, shift focus from your head to your body. Feelings tend to be held in the body.
Relax
- Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What is my main problem/concern right now?”
- Tune into that place in your body where you feel emotional sensations/energy.
- Wait and listen. Provide yourself with enough time to sense feelings/moods.
- Identify the Exact Feeling- if it is unclear, start with the basics (mad, sad, glad, afraid, guilt, or shame)
- Take one emotion at a time. Ask yourself what the feeling is trying to tell you about your needs/wants.